My heart keeps beating like crazy bringing me into an immense of anxiety. It doesn't feel alright these recent days. Something was stuck inside my gorge like a clump that resist my breathing and it feels hard to inflate my chest. I am not well. I know I am not fine.

What has brought me to this state? What kind of past has led me to this way where now I often found my self off, deflated, and down.

...

I made up this story...

Once, I roamed the streets looking for a release. Just walking. I had no exact direction of where to bring my feet to. I was merely walking aimlessly under the calming cold which comforted me inside my sweater.

My hands were nearly frozen. They almost turned into ice block from the sharp cold. It wasn't a comforting cold but a freezing one. Indeed, my heart felt a bit at ease. I heard cold has this nice hypoesthesia upshot where it makes your nerves ending felt like numb. Hmm... at least I could feel my heart felt like numb to cover up the heartache. In turn, my body got stiff.

I ended my wandering on a wood bench watching every shadow passed through my sight until I sensed a warm beside me, only few inches away. I took a slight glance just to capture a pair of smiling eyes were staring back at me, too short glance to see the color of his eyes.

I announced my uncompromising way of socializing by staying quiet and refusing his offer to converse. I felt like I hadn't recorded his voice inside my parietal lobes. His voice traveled and poked my Wernicke's area to process his low-deep voice. I resisted it so much and I lost. I eventually turned my head to take a look of how he was. The atmosphere suffocated me so much. It was an awkward bump with stranger who seemed friendly and tried to befriend me.

His eyes radiated warmth filling up my vacant heart. Seems like competing with the blood running through the veins. No wonder, I felt a bit breathless, a little hypoxia? He blocked the bloods to enter my heart and occupied its every chamber with his charms. This should be kidding. It was probably just because my sympathetic nerves were triggered and my heart started beating too fast before my bloods able to get in. If it was my sympathetic nerves, why my face felt like burning and turned into grilled crab?

...

I was so imperceptible but that brief encounter had somewhat gave me a new feeling. Nothing could describe.

I am trying to open up little by little now following my curiosities.

I ended falling in love in thing I never thought before. It even goes further to every space inside my cell, now.

But, how does it feel to be rejected by thing you have put your heart into it?

Hurt.

No kidding.

Hurt.

It brought me to a realization that actually I am still lacking too much.

I might need a defibrillator now to keep my heart from jerking every single time I feel excited to learn it.