05.49

July 26, 2023

Aku sedang tersesat sedalam-dalamnya, merasa sesak dan risak oleh ragu dan waktu. Tak setapak-pun aku temukan, sisa jalan atau jejak pintu keluar. Hanya longlongan keputusasaan dan gelapnya sesal yang mengancam merenggut satu-satunya harap. Apakah bertahan bersama luka-luka di kaki yang kian dalam, atau menyerah runtuh dan tenggelam dibawah kelam? 
Kalaupun ada jalan, masihkah jauh? Seberapa tinggi lagi gunung yang ku tempuh? Seberapa dalam jurang yang menanti untuk jatuh? 
Jika menyerah, akankah aku mati bersama sesal yang abadi? Atau damai seperti indahnya musim semi?
Adakah ujung dari segala terjal dan likunya lembah ini?
Tuhan aku resah dan mulai lelah…
Seberapa jauh lagi?

Journal

Week 29th

22.03

 July 22, 2023


I am nearly burnt out, but trying to hold on for a little more. Knowing the road I am walking on bringing me to the dream I have been wishing in every single prayer.

God, I am holding on...

Life has never been easy for everyone, for every single me, sweat, and tear. I woke up everyday in pain and despair, yet with ambition and yearning that one day it would come to a point where I would appreciate the steps I decided to take then. Keep striving my little self and big heart!

I decided to start reading again, starting off with Matt Haig's Comfort Book. Giving my self a little down-time among hectic and chaotic working hours that hardly manageable. And it works, I believe it works to let me re-arrange my mind. 

I planned things, to study for upcoming tests, to take my two lovely fur balls for grooming, and to clean up my messed-up bedroom.

I finished a series of Amazon's Korean Drama, Battle for Happiness.
A series portraying mothers who strive to show people how warm and harmonized their family, ended up in murder case, entangled with infidelity, bankruptcy and every worst case possibly happened in marriage. People sometimes look very scary, how they try to protect their own interest, put others in catastrophe.

I am currently putting some songs on repeat in between the morning hustle and late night study: Seventeen's Super, Lee Dae Hwi's Rose, Scent, Kiss, BSS's Fighting, and Schumann's Traumerei


23.38

 May 31, 2023


Kalau bisa kukirim pesan menembus angkasa, kau yang kini lebih jauh dari venus, 

"Pernahkah menderita rindu yang amat ini?"


Kapan lagi ilalang ini akan menjadi rindang, selain di musim semi bertabur aster dan bakung.

Angin meniup sayap sayap kumbang yang malu dan canggung.

Menemani kesepianku sambil bersenandung.