March 11, 2017

This is just going to be some revelation from every inflexibility I have been holding the last twelve-months trying to be out of my comfort zone from being an individualist-person, the home-person who rather go home than straying out thinking about things.

I have been into my self too much, maybe, for others to see. But it's just the enough dosages that I want to be into me, my self, and I. Where I put a box inside my mind and eliminate any aliens things out of my box of thinking. Yes, it's been all about me. It just happened to be that way without me knowing that I am begun to looked like a carefree person from anyone's problems, an phlegmatic person who only knows about things that meant for me, no others. 

As I remember, I was a busy student in high-school. It wasn't a normal days  I had back then in high-school. I didn't attend classes as much as my friends did, not sitting on my seat as long as everyone did. Rather, I would be outside preparing for competitions, join training, even camps for days. I read books alone, studying for exams on my own, and I found it really fun to be doing everything alone. It was more effective and I could better grades. 

There was one day I could clearly remember when I had to have physics exams the next day while I never attended classes. I studied on my own, reading three books I bought the night before, I knew right that it was my consequences for being very active student that I needed to study harder than others. I felt ready even there was a slight uncertainties because I didn't get what my friends' got. I came to school and did the examinations quiet well. Do you know what the result I got? I got 97% while more than 70% of my friends caught on a remedial exam. And it always happened, I knew that when I study alone, I read more books and I got more knowledge while my friends usually only read their notes. And from there, I was being too comfortable for being with only my self.

I often watch alone at the cinema, getting my own popcorn and one cup of cola and sitting alone between couples, but that wasn't make me awkward at all. I understood my self the best when I am alone. 

And more...

I am going to say that I got into university in my town, around 15 to 20 minutes away from my home. But that's not my dream university. And honestly, until now I still realize it well how I envy others who are know studying in my dream university there while I am not. There was a condition that prevent me from going out of town. And up til now, I regret it so much. I blame it all on my self how I even couldn't write my dream university on my university application at that time. Why didn't I have a courage to do so?

Well, I came with my apathetic kind of character. I don't care with everything happens around, I just want to go as fast possible from the university. I am not happy, not enjoying any moment. I even tried to limit my self from any activities that would exhaust me a lot.

Up til now, my intention is still to go out as fast as possible, not suffering my heart even further.

If only I could turn back time...

This thought I bear in mind might be wrong for anyone, but I believe I do have my veto to say that I hate this and that, I want this and that, and it's all my privilege as a freedom person to choose what situation is best for me. I might be wrong, but you can't prove the bestest life to have.