Diary

16.49

October 19, 2023

The night remained silent, muted echoes of how and where you walked away, leaving me in tormenting riddles of why? 

“Never been I felt loved as how I always feel when you are around.” His voice sounds very collected, now sounds like shards of a broken promise. Then why did you leave? If only I knew it was your parting words.

We parted ways, as how on how every date we did. He walked me to the last intersection, I turned around because I knew I would miss his smiling eyes. He stood still until I took the last turn before reaching home, and that was the last time.

God took him too fast, before I could even learn to love him wholly, leaving me drowning in longing for too much now. 
Roses were blooming on your resting place, dear.
While my heart shatters into irreparable pieces

“Don’t walk away, I am falling down.”

If only I could beg for god to let me, only one day more to hold you, for the last time. 
If only I could love you enough, then.
If only… 



Science

Little Girl, What Made You Blue?

17.08

October 15, 2023

All of us have, at one moment, felt “heart-broken”, the emotional roller coaster that can make even the toughest among us curl up with a tub of ice cream and a tear-jerker movie. When it feels as if your heart shattered into pieces, sometimes it’s even hard to quantify how hurt it feels, the other times, you feel like your chest been stomped on by an elephant and it’s impossible to breath and continue living. That’s right, heartbreak, has a story to tell.

As its core, heartbreak manifest as social pain — the profound distress experienced when social ties are absent, threatened, damaged, or lost — which shares neural and neurochemical similarities with physical pain. And it’s proven by MRI Scans that the intensity and duration of the emotional and physical pain of heartbreak are akin to the agony felt after severe physical trauma. Apparently, the same neural circuits that fire up when you got burn or bone fractured are the ones that go haywire when your crush becomes your ex.

Studies have demonstrated that the caudate nucleus, typically involved in reward detection, and the ventral tegmental area, associated with pleasure and motivation, are implicated in the experience of heartbreak. A study performed by Lucy Brown, Xiomeng Xu, and Dr. Fisher revealed that there’s heightened activity in the ventral tegmental area, ventral striatum, and nucleus accumbens among individuals undergoing various stages of a breakup. These regions are integral components of the brain’s reward and motivation circuitry, where the release of dopamine plays a pivotal role. 

Additionally, the prefrontal cortex part of the brain, the wise-guy behind all rational decision, responsible for decision-making and processing information objectively, tends to deactivate during heartbreak, hindering one’s ability to perceive the situation clearly. This deactivation, coupled with hyperactivity in the limbic system, disrupts the balance of hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine, making it challenging to maintain a balanced perspective. Consequently, the body responds by releasing stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine, leading to a cascade of physical symptoms including cramps, tension, headaches, chest pain, dizziness, and fatigue.

So there you have it, little girl. Heartbreak isn’t just about tears and tissues; it’s about a multifaceted interplay a various neurotransmitters and brain regions in the epic saga of love gone wrong, underscoring the profound impact of social pain on an individual’s overall well-being. From the decline of oxytocin and serotonin to the surges in cortisol and depletion of dopamine, heartbreak is not solely an emotional experience but a physiological one as well, highlighting the interconnectedness of the mind and body in the face of emotional distress. Your brain is playing a wild symphony of emotions, and you, are the conductor!

Pemimpi

19.53

Menjadi pemimpi itu indah, berangan dan merangkai dahan menuju kesempurnaan, kalau Tuhan mengizinkan.

Aku ingat, dahan yang telah aku rangkai tinggi, tak bisa ku biarkan hanya menjadi angan tanpa tuan. Aku yang punya.

Aku pindai sendiri kemungkinan terjal dan curamnya jalan di depan, kadang tepat kutemukan, kadang sudah terperosok baru aku sadar. Sedikit lecet tak apa, mimpiku penuh dan gigihku tak cukup rapuh untuk hancur sekali jatuh…
Sedikit lecet kemudan sembuh, sebentar sembuh kemudian jatuh, tapi masih tak apa…

Sampai rapuh tekadku, ku siap beribu perekat dan matras penyelamat, agar jika pecah bisa ku rangkai kembali, agar jika jatuh tak pecah berkeping.

Menjadi pemimpi, sejauh ini, masih indah…
Aku simpan setiap bencana agar bisa menjadi rencana. 
Tak mudah aku mundur, akan aku tempuh jalan walau berpiuh dan berliku

Kalau Tuhan mengizinkan…
Dahan mimpi tertinggi, aku yang punya.

05.49

July 26, 2023

Aku sedang tersesat sedalam-dalamnya, merasa sesak dan risak oleh ragu dan waktu. Tak setapak-pun aku temukan, sisa jalan atau jejak pintu keluar. Hanya longlongan keputusasaan dan gelapnya sesal yang mengancam merenggut satu-satunya harap. Apakah bertahan bersama luka-luka di kaki yang kian dalam, atau menyerah runtuh dan tenggelam dibawah kelam? 
Kalaupun ada jalan, masihkah jauh? Seberapa tinggi lagi gunung yang ku tempuh? Seberapa dalam jurang yang menanti untuk jatuh? 
Jika menyerah, akankah aku mati bersama sesal yang abadi? Atau damai seperti indahnya musim semi?
Adakah ujung dari segala terjal dan likunya lembah ini?
Tuhan aku resah dan mulai lelah…
Seberapa jauh lagi?

Journal

Week 29th

22.03

 July 22, 2023


I am nearly burnt out, but trying to hold on for a little more. Knowing the road I am walking on bringing me to the dream I have been wishing in every single prayer.

God, I am holding on...

Life has never been easy for everyone, for every single me, sweat, and tear. I woke up everyday in pain and despair, yet with ambition and yearning that one day it would come to a point where I would appreciate the steps I decided to take then. Keep striving my little self and big heart!

I decided to start reading again, starting off with Matt Haig's Comfort Book. Giving my self a little down-time among hectic and chaotic working hours that hardly manageable. And it works, I believe it works to let me re-arrange my mind. 

I planned things, to study for upcoming tests, to take my two lovely fur balls for grooming, and to clean up my messed-up bedroom.

I finished a series of Amazon's Korean Drama, Battle for Happiness.
A series portraying mothers who strive to show people how warm and harmonized their family, ended up in murder case, entangled with infidelity, bankruptcy and every worst case possibly happened in marriage. People sometimes look very scary, how they try to protect their own interest, put others in catastrophe.

I am currently putting some songs on repeat in between the morning hustle and late night study: Seventeen's Super, Lee Dae Hwi's Rose, Scent, Kiss, BSS's Fighting, and Schumann's Traumerei


23.38

 May 31, 2023


Kalau bisa kukirim pesan menembus angkasa, kau yang kini lebih jauh dari venus, 

"Pernahkah menderita rindu yang amat ini?"


Kapan lagi ilalang ini akan menjadi rindang, selain di musim semi bertabur aster dan bakung.

Angin meniup sayap sayap kumbang yang malu dan canggung.

Menemani kesepianku sambil bersenandung.





21.12

 March 9, 2023


Dia telah menjadi abu di ujung semesta yang tak terhingga, di tempat yang tak mungkin mampu ku capai...
 
Dari sekian banyak jalan yang bisa ditempuh, dia memilih menjadi abu, luruh, terbawa hembusan langit senja. Raganya yang resap, tapi jiwanya terasa dekat dan lekat disetiap arus yang bertiup. Masih terlalu lugas, hangat yang tertinggal seperti baru saja, padahal tak tampak lagi sayu matanya yang biasa hadir di sela jingga. Kalau bukan rindu, entah apalagi rasa yang bisa ku sampaikan. Rasanya ingin aku ledakkan ingatan hatiku, yang kusimpan, dan tak bisa ku tarik lagi, semuanya yang pernah ada.

Dari sekian banyak waktu, dia memilih senja, pulang, menuju keabadian, yang jauh di ujung dunia. Waktu biasanya kita menghabiskan satu reguk kopi susu dengan rasa-rasa lainnya, terkadang lelah diujung hari, terkadang resah sebelum memulai lagi hari.

Dari sekian banyak kata, dia memilih "sampai jumpa", artinya dia akan kembali, harusnya kembali, mau-ku dia kembali. Tapi tak suah. Hatimu yang ingkar, janjimu yang tak pernah terbayar, siapa yang harus ku minta? 

 

Bahwa aku sulit lupa, bahwa aku yang akan menderita, seharusnya dia tahu... 

Tapi Tuhan terlanjur sudah membawanya jauh, menyisakkan aku yang rapuh...



 



a prayer

15.08

 February 22, 2023


Bersama langit yang tenang dan rembulan remang, aku sampaikan doa melalui setiap angin yang mengayun pelan.

"Tuhan, sampai nanti kami bertemu kembali, buatlah hangat hatinya, agar tak sempat membeku diantara sepi yang merayu."

"Tuhan, hingga suatu saat kami bertatap lagi, peluklah dirinya bersama amanmu, agar utuh raga dan jiwanya."

"Diantara semesta dan kasih-Mu yang tak berujung, jadikanlah dia satu, salah satu dari kesayangan-Mu, agar bahagiannya tercukupkan, agar lengkap senyumnya."

Ruangku terbatas tapi rinduku tanpa ruas, semoga sampai pada benaknya. Aku menjaganya melalui penciptanya, Tanpa ragu.