00.25

 October 12, 2022

i am lost, in myriads of questions, of how and why, of where and when.

  how life would turn in distant future after i lead few steps ahead.

  why is it hard to stay stand still

  where this path walks me to

  and, when would i need to stop worrying of uncertainties

 

i don't own the universe.

  the path often turns into enigmatic roads.

  the reality hits me, drains me...

 

 

 

 

 

A Tale

Labirin

21.59

April 1, 2022

Di atas mimpi pelarianku, ada seberkas penyesalan yang nyata, seperti hujan di awal Januari, yang sesekali datang ditemani kilat sebagai penyangganya-- aku menjadi takut, bukan sekedar menyesal. 

"Apakah benar langkah yang aku jejaki?"

"Apakah akan berujung di hamparan bahagia? atau hanya angan sia-sia?" 

Begitu, suara-suara gemercik kecil yang kerap muncul di ujung malam.

Aku seperti dalam labirin, dibutakan dinding-dinding kokoh yang terlalu tinggi, hingga letih mencari jalan keluar dan akhirnya hanya menahan perih keputusasaan. Andai... ketika itu aku memilih untuk tak memulai langkah. Andai... kala itu aku mengikuti keraguanku-- aku mungkin tak berada di tengah sesat ini.

Bisakah sekali saja, aku pinjam pintu keluar? kerap kali aku ingin punya jalan pintas, agar tak terjebak lika-liku yang tak kunjung berakhir. Mungkin sekali saja, jika pintu terlalu berat, bagaimana kalau jendela saja? Biarkan aku mengintip ada apa di luar sana. Mungkin ada kucing liar yang sedang berguling-guling di aspal? Mungkin setangkai mawar sedang mencoba merekah? Mungkin beringin sedang merindang? 

Aku berada dalam jalan setapak. Ada kerikil-kerikil kecil di bawah kaki-ku, tanahnya bergelombang seperti ombak pasang-surut pantai selatan, terkadang aku melihat lubang-lubang kecil seperti sarang tikus tanah, mungkin? ada juga tunas - tunas rumput liar yang tak sengaja aku injak, setiap sudut liku-nya ada tanaman putri malu, tak banyak-- hanya beberapa. Kalau hujan turun, kaki-ku terasa seperti ditelan hidup-hidup meninggalkan jejak yang cukup untuk menjadi kubangan. Pada dindingnya, banyak tumbuhan rambat, sesekali mungkin aku menemukan kupu-kupu kecil berwarna putih salju, tetapi lebih sering aku temukan koloni nyamuk. Aku harap, tumbuhan rambat ini barangkali bisa berubah menjadi pohon markisa atau semangka, setidaknya, ketika matahari terik buahnya bisa melepas dahaga.

Labirin yang tidak indah, di mana akan berujung?



21.41

January 29, 2022

walking and keep roaming, through the myriads of hills and sheers of tears, but i keep walking, yes i do. passing by the long bench-- i thought i would at least be able to catch my breath before strolling further, but winds are throwing pebbles. 

and i am here, now, am so restless.

it's only four weeks since the new year commenced, yet i am already so beaten.

Diary

22.10

December 18, 2021

 

For the everlasting restless heart of mine...

Life is supposed to be thrilling..

for me to carry on ?

 

After the fights, of the highs-and-downs,

then comes another rains and storms...

yet, i haven't found what universe wants to show me

roads seems boundless

and i have often become careless

 

tears and drips--

despairs and agonies--

i have grown exasperated..

 

i, once, devised--

what if--

i had given in?

what if--

i decided to runaway, then?

 

would it be any better?

 

though--

i have-- too many times-- encountered uncertainties.

vanilla latte

VANILLA LATTE [10]

22.03

 October 1, 2021

It feels unfair, now. That every remaining memories about you, is just a memory now.  

 

"No Vanilla Latte today." he uttered, looking like threatening me with his small eyes-- that absolutely never worked on me. 

"No vanilla latte?"  i questioned the counter-lady, and she was confused as if asking me back tilting her head an inch.

"Let's just have americano. Two?"  

He lured me to follow him-- oh not going to work, dear...

"Me -- vanilla latte, please..." I handed my card.

 

He flicked me and laughed.

"Someone is gonna pile up sugar in her cheeks again today."

"Yes. Who cares?"

 

It was his first treat. His very own 4.5 dollars which almost fly me to the moon, not because it was enough to buy the rocket's ticket and all the astronaut's gears -- but his very 4.5 dollars contained his whole hearty heart.

It was his first text, yesterday. His very own single seconds he spared to ask me out for a coffee. It was a very short query:

"tomorrow, coffee?" 

 two words-- but means world to me. 

Mr. Americano, never spent his times to prattle on a chat, he is rather short and flat.


We met today, for the first time we didn't call it coincidence, even though i knew, the yesterday, and another yesterday were also not a coincidence-- i did wait for him to appear.

"so, busy?" he started the talk.

"ah-- did i ask about your day job?"

"i never expected you would be in that field..."

"but we connect well-- in many ways..."

 "it is a fate-- i believe it is..."

 "we crossed ways-- well, anyway..."

 

He is effusive.

But his every words was a trigger for my SA-nodes. 

It spurred my heartbeat-- in a good way. 

My facial nerve got crazy and couldn't stop smiling -- oh dear...

VANILLA LATTE [9]

21.29

April 6. 2020

 if only, i could pick of what things better remain as memories, i would choose your every companion. with your eyes fixing on your work, with your words, never really answering to my preaches and carps, but still... you stayed. 


He came, with an extra slice of mocha nougat roll-cake.
"I thought it wouldn't be enough, but it's big and i paid two already..."  his hand moved, putting the wooden tray on the table, first, placing the cake beside my glass of vanilla latte. 

"a treat." he added.

i observed how he took a seat, putting of his coat, taking out his phone and put it upside-down on the table. He didn't look worried that he shared a table with a stranger. At last, he finally was crashing concentrated on his tablet's screen.

"do you always come here? for a vanilla latte?" he finally realized my presence.

"mm... it's two-cents cheaper than anywhere else." 

he laughed.

and stopped, when watching me picking out the nuts.

"you enjoy the cake that way?" he asked 
"why?"

"eat the cake..."

"i will... slowly."  

how could i finish this so hastily, i value this so heartily. i got retribution-- for waiting over almost like a decade-- to see you...


vanilla latte

VANILLA LATTE [mr. americano]

19.09

 October 17, 2019


his name was eargasm and sympathetic
but you'd only know him by mr. americano

through many silences and talks, i had learned so far are:

He's just another man -- the only special he owned was, he would sit across me with his both ears ready for long preaches and ratting. Just another man, who would respond my elated or agitated expression with  the same smile, or if he was being generous--a little chuckle.

mr. americano -- is one of a kind.
his smile is excitative.
yet, an inhibitor for every restless heart.

he was born in spring.
through the falls of dried leaves.
and yes, he looked weary all the time.

mr. americano -- he's mr. americano.
but he's a memento in a cup of my vanilla latte.
he came along with every melted ice cubes.
he lied in every dew drops around the glass.
and he remained as a company after i finished a glass.

16.44

 August 17, 2019

Between cries and struggles...

Dear my dear self, you'll finally arrive in a world you never expected before.

You'll finally realize that, it's a good thing to not give up in the beginning, in the middle, up to the end.

You'll see yourself, in a very proud way, that you've finally able to conquer and strive.

I have never felt my self as not okay as these days.

Everything passed in indiscernible way.

In every morning runs, late night crams, and sleep deprived in the mid-day, it's hard to find the right rhythm.

But, hey-- it would get better soon.

I would find my self being happy and enjoying these tortures.



Lost

21.28

August 10, 2019
 
The cave I am walking through blinds both my eyes and heart.
I am lost of which way I should walk through.
I am numb of what pain or happiness I am truly sensating.

I am lost.
in between worries and fears
for the upcoming uncertainties.





vanilla latte

VANILLA LATTE [8]

22.45

February 17, 2019


an-Americano between nights.

Through any transpicuous windows, the crowds of lamps failed to call you in.

and, how much time more I'll have to wait for us to cross?


Dear universe,

I am waiting for his shadow to pass by.

Let me count, if possible,

The days passed so fast that I might not care of how much times wasted.

For you, an-americano between rains in April.


"He came alone, yesterday, only for a quick take out." this lady behind the counter said as she gave me back my card.

"Who?"

"the owner of that parasol. in your bag, miss..." she replied with smile.

"Really? I can leave this to you? he might come back, he might need it anytime soon."

I, of course wouldn't need her answer to take out the umbrella from my bag.

But the door's bell rang, breaking the silence between us.


"Evening..." the lady greeted a person behind me that automated my neck to more than 90 degrees turn around.

Brown coat.

He. is...

that americano-man.



I raised my hand awkwardly, showing his umbrella right in front of his head.


"Oh?"

He noticed his stuff, right?

"Vanilla? Latte?"

God. his voice traveled to my heart and spur my AV-nodes harshly, rudely. I thought I might faint.

I stepped aside and just nodded foolishly.

"How fortunate, this umbrella would go home, finally." I handed it to him.

"Thank you, what a coincidence."

No-- you rude man, I am waiting for like a decade. No such a thing like coincidence. I disagreed.

I have been waiting for every chance I got to land my ass here, only for a slight hope that I might have a brief companion for a glass of vanilla latte.

"Wait-- I'll place my order."

I frowned that he suddenly stopped me when I was about to walk to my seat.

He peeped through above my head. "Ah, you'll sit there?"

I hummed.

His head turned back to his phone and paid his americano. So what? At least, talk! will you sit with me or how? Geez-- man! That's how rude man is!


The window-seat was the witness, of how we met in one cold rainy day, in April.

People were coming and passing by, but I couldn't find you.
 
But god pushed you here, to pick your umbrella see me, thank you for coming mr. americano.