July 18, 2024

Have you ever been in the lowest possible place you could be? That’s where I find myself now. It’s so frustrating that I can’t even muster the strength to peek at what lies outside. Everything around me is in disarray, a chaotic mess that mirrors the turmoil within me. I keep questioning if I will be able to rise above these setbacks. I feel so lost, almost hopeless.

I am scared. I am haunted, by all the dreams I once held so dear, dreams that now seem like so distant, taunting whispers. The confidence I used to carry with me has vanished, leaving a hollow shell in its place. Where can I find it again? How can I dream again, find the courage to start anew?

It feels like the beginning is out of reach. 

To dream ever again, to start a new beginning… It seems impossible, but I have to believe that somewhere within me lies the strength to try.

From the outset, it feels inherently wrong to empathize with June. She is not the typical protagonist; she is flawed, opportunistic, and morally ambiguous. Her journey begins on a dark note as she witnesses the sudden death of her not-quite-best-friend, Athena Liu, and seizes the opportunity to claim Athena's unfinished manuscript as her own. What follows is a whirlwind of success, accusations, and a relentless pursuit of recognition.

June’s lack of guilt and her pride in transforming Athena’s manuscript into a national bestseller is deeply unsettling. Despite numerous accusations of plagiarism, she remains unrepentant, justifying her actions with a twisted sense of entitlement. Athena herself had admitted to drawing from her own traumatic experiences for her writing, suggesting that she, too, was not without flaws. This revelation muddies the moral waters even further, making it difficult to see Athena as a paragon of virtue.

Kuang skillfully portrays June as a product of a society that has conditioned her to be greedy and self-serving. It’s a society that often values fame and wealth over genuine talent and integrity. June's relentless pursuit of the spotlight, her desire to be heard, and her story to be read, reflect a deep-seated need for validation and recognition in a world that constantly undermines those who do not fit the traditional mold.

While it is challenging to admire June as a character, her story serves as a powerful critique of societal and systemic biases. Yellowface forces readers to confront the uncomfortable reality of how minorities are often stigmatized and judged not for their talents or contributions but for their differences. The novel exposes the inherent prejudices that exist within the literary world and beyond, shedding light on the myriad ways in which marginalized voices are silenced or appropriated.

R.F. Kuang's Yellowface is a thought-provoking and disturbing exploration of identity, ambition, and the cost of success. It compels readers to reflect on their own complicity in a system that rewards deceit and punishes difference. Through June's controversial journey, Kuang challenges us to reconsider our perceptions of right and wrong, talent and theft, and ultimately, what it means to truly own a story.

May 8, 2024

Rangka embun yang kokoh-pun tak mampu bersanding dengan sunup. Pasti lekang, hilang, dan meregang pada akhirnya. Apalagi hati yang berasal dari remah-remah hampa dan air mata, sudah pasti pecah.

Hampir tiba musim panas tahun ini, tapi canda-mu di musim gugur bertahun-tahun lalu masih erat bersemi di memori-ku, aku hampir merasa bahwa kau tak pernah benar-benar pergi dan jauh.

Kau yang telah jauh, jika sempat bertandang di sela-sela asterik akhir-akhir ini, lihatkan? Aku baik-baik saja, tapi hanya rindu. Hati ku sedikit repas tapi aku akan tetap keras. Bilamana sesekali ada yang serupa dengan air mata, itu hanya embun, karena akhir-akhir ini malam terasa lebih dingin dari seharusnya. 

Apabila kau benar-benar bisa singgah, walau tak lama, bolehkah aku minta dekap-mu yang hangat? Atau genggam saja tanganku lagi seperti dulu? Jika itu berlebihan, biarkan aku lihat wajahmu saja dari kejauhan. Boleh? Aku rindu menggebu-gebu…

Aku sedang berjibaku dengan hidupku, kini aku sibuk, terkadang masih sulit terpejam saat malam. Bolehkah aku berandai? Jika mungkin kau masih di sini, akankah aku merasa selelah ini? Setidaknya mungkin aku masih punya teman kencan untuk secangkir kopi di hari liburku?

Kalau kau bisa mendengarku, datanglah sesekali ke mimpiku. Ajak aku bercerita, dengarkan keluh kesahku, dan jika tidak terlalu sulit, aku mau pelukan-mu satu kali saja…

“…Peluk aku, sebentar saja

Tak perlu berkata-kata, lari dan raup aku yang hampir lebur…”

October 15, 2023

All of us have, at one moment, felt “heart-broken”, the emotional roller coaster that can make even the toughest among us curl up with a tub of ice cream and a tear-jerker movie. When it feels as if your heart shattered into pieces, sometimes it’s even hard to quantify how hurt it feels, the other times, you feel like your chest been stomped on by an elephant and it’s impossible to breath and continue living. That’s right, heartbreak, has a story to tell.

As its core, heartbreak manifest as social pain — the profound distress experienced when social ties are absent, threatened, damaged, or lost — which shares neural and neurochemical similarities with physical pain. And it’s proven by MRI Scans that the intensity and duration of the emotional and physical pain of heartbreak are akin to the agony felt after severe physical trauma. Apparently, the same neural circuits that fire up when you got burn or bone fractured are the ones that go haywire when your crush becomes your ex.

Studies have demonstrated that the caudate nucleus, typically involved in reward detection, and the ventral tegmental area, associated with pleasure and motivation, are implicated in the experience of heartbreak. A study performed by Lucy Brown, Xiomeng Xu, and Dr. Fisher revealed that there’s heightened activity in the ventral tegmental area, ventral striatum, and nucleus accumbens among individuals undergoing various stages of a breakup. These regions are integral components of the brain’s reward and motivation circuitry, where the release of dopamine plays a pivotal role. 

Additionally, the prefrontal cortex part of the brain, the wise-guy behind all rational decision, responsible for decision-making and processing information objectively, tends to deactivate during heartbreak, hindering one’s ability to perceive the situation clearly. This deactivation, coupled with hyperactivity in the limbic system, disrupts the balance of hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine, making it challenging to maintain a balanced perspective. Consequently, the body responds by releasing stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine, leading to a cascade of physical symptoms including cramps, tension, headaches, chest pain, dizziness, and fatigue.

So there you have it, little girl. Heartbreak isn’t just about tears and tissues; it’s about a multifaceted interplay a various neurotransmitters and brain regions in the epic saga of love gone wrong, underscoring the profound impact of social pain on an individual’s overall well-being. From the decline of oxytocin and serotonin to the surges in cortisol and depletion of dopamine, heartbreak is not solely an emotional experience but a physiological one as well, highlighting the interconnectedness of the mind and body in the face of emotional distress. Your brain is playing a wild symphony of emotions, and you, are the conductor!

 July 22, 2023

I am nearly burnt out, but trying to hold on for a little more. Knowing the road I am walking on bringing me to the dream I have been wishing in every single prayer.

God, I am holding on...

Life has never been easy for everyone, for every single me, sweat, and tear. I woke up everyday in pain and despair, yet with ambition and yearning that one day it would come to a point where I would appreciate the steps I decided to take then. Keep striving my little self and big heart!

I decided to start reading again, starting off with Matt Haig's Comfort Book. Giving my self a little down-time among hectic and chaotic working hours that hardly manageable. And it works, I believe it works to let me re-arrange my mind. 

I planned things, to study for upcoming tests, to take my two lovely fur balls for grooming, and to clean up my messed-up bedroom.

I finished a series of Amazon's Korean Drama, Battle for Happiness.
A series portraying mothers who strive to show people how warm and harmonized their family, ended up in murder case, entangled with infidelity, bankruptcy and every worst case possibly happened in marriage. People sometimes look very scary, how they try to protect their own interest, put others in catastrophe.

I am currently putting some songs on repeat in between the morning hustle and late night study: Seventeen's Super, Lee Dae Hwi's Rose, Scent, Kiss, BSS's Fighting, and Schumann's Traumerei

 May 31, 2023

Kalau bisa kukirim pesan menembus angkasa, kau yang kini lebih jauh dari venus, 

"Pernahkah menderita rindu yang amat ini?"

Kapan lagi ilalang ini akan menjadi rindang, selain di musim semi bertabur aster dan bakung.

Angin meniup sayap sayap kumbang yang malu dan canggung.

Menemani kesepianku sambil bersenandung.

 March 9, 2023

Bahwa aku sulit lupa, bahwa aku yang akan menderita, seharusnya dia tahu... 

Tapi Tuhan terlanjur sudah membawanya jauh, menyisakkan aku yang rapuh...