September 15, 2018

Reading this Novel-like Autobiography was a challenge at first. Despite my curiosity about politics, I am also in a position between skeptic and apathetic. This four hundreds thick of papers is written by a politician from a government side, Budiman Sudjatmiko (Partai Demokrat Indonesia Perjuangan).

During this second time of reading, i read and tried to discern every words into pieces of depiction and arrange it in the end to see what's the big picture I portray after a week of battle between slumber and cats in my head. This agenda of re-read the book is also a part of my way to learn about Indonesia, in terms of politics. 

I was as bewitched as the first time when I got this book as my 17th birthday gift from my sister and read this. Through very eloquent words, Budiman Sudjatmiko presented an explicit picture of how thrilling it was, since the beginning, fighting off people with power, dominance, arms, and faint consciences. There's this section entitled "Cakar-Cakar Kekuasaan" which straight-forwardly herd me into a gripping moments when Budiman Sudjatmiko and his fellow partisan were pursued and tortured by the regime's henchmen (Soeharto Era).

The story rises from Budiman Sudjatmiko's childhood. Where he lived in Majenang, surrounded by the inevitable bitter reality of people lived in poverty. Where he started contriving his idealistic toward democracy and prosperity. From a quiet night which let him to witness a suicide of Mbah Dimin, an old man who decided to lose and surrendered from life, from vicious destitution which introduced him to loan sharks.

"The reality, they couldn't help Mbah Dimin when he was alive, when he was in debt. They only showed their compassion after he was found dead. They gave him tribute and honor in his funeral, reading him forced obituaries and burning incense. I believe that they respect a body because they refused to help the living humbly."

How am I supposed to say it? Sometimes we reason and make excuses, that we are in no better condition to help. And I do this, at times.

Budiman Sudjatmiko embellished his story with little-or-much quotations and phrases from related books to support and justify his notions. From these, I envy him so much for spending most of his time being curious and searching the world. He is a passionate reader and spirited politician since young. Reading Anak-anak Revolusi was like jumping between books and journals, also as if I were a bench where he tried to explain every words said by an elaborated sources of facts, views of others, and fixed theories. Budiman Sudjatmiko provides his reasoning of how he perceived things.

More than glorifying his abundant of excruciating experiences or dramatizing every affliction, he wrote the flow in a good manner, where I could imagine how the kid Budiman Sudjatmiko grew onto an awkward adolescent, fledged onto a half-mature man until he finally immersed completely into practical politics during his college study.  

In the last few pages, Budiman Sudjatmiko depictured his life as a political prisoner, the life of some "democracy fighters" from a secluded penitentiary striving their vision, steering the movement and battle from inside.

Besides, life was never been so much fun without love story.

Budiman Sudjatmiko met by his very first lover and loved one in an unfathomable moment. That was a tickle between cries, a rose in a wild-wood. Beautiful.

September 9, 2018

Jika ada sesuatu yang terkadang mengusikmu, aku harap itu bukan kiriman umpatan jarak jauh dariku. Karena aku tak bisa untuk diam saja, membiarkanmu merebut dan menempati setiap petak lobus memoriku.

Musim hujan akan segera datang dalam beberapa minggu ke depan. Hujan juga sudah mulai sering singgah dan membawa angin beserta riuhnya pesta gumul-gumul awan abu-abu. Kemudian hatiku akan menjadi kusut sedikit demi sedikit karena terdesak kenangan yang akan sering mampir di sela jendela dan hujan. Kusut masih bukan masalah, tapi bila kusut kemudian terberai rindu yang terelakkan? Aku tidak tahu harus berbuat apa lagi.

Semakin rindu, tetapi aku semakin tak ingin bertemu.

Beberapa bulan lalu, di senja yang hangat, aku harap itu akan menjadi kenangan terakhir untuk beberapa waktu ini. Artinya, aku masih belum mau bertatap lagi dalam keadaan bingung seperti ini. 

Aku telah menyelesaikan sebagian besar urusanku, kemudian setelah lama aku tak pernah rindu sehebat ini, tiba-tiba di satu bagian otakku, di bagian parietal kanan dan kiri otakku, di mana aku menyimpan namamu, wajahmu, dan cerita tentangmu, tiba-tiba seperti kebanjiran dan meluap-luap.

Aku masih bingung harus berkata dan berbuat apa. 

Aku pikir aku telah lupa atau setidaknya hilang rasa.

Tapi ternyata kemarin-kemarin, aku hanya sesaat merasa hampa.

September 3, 2018

Aku pernah lupa, kalau sebenarnya aku masih mengagumimu, jingga yang kemerahan. Saat itu, mungkin, aku sedang kalut, atau hanya sibuk dengan urusanku sendiri. Ingatanku tak kuasa untuk mempertahankan rindu itu dan kemudian menyerah untuk beberapa saat, membiarkanku menjalani hidup tanpa kerinduan untukmu. 

Tapi setelah aku mampu menempatkan semua pada tempatnya, bagian dari ingatanku muncul lagi, iya, ingatan tentang bagaimana telah lama aku menyimpanmu lama di dalam sana. Aku tak pernah khawatir sedikitpun, jika suatu saat nanti otakku mulai bosan atau ingin sesuatu yang lain. Iya, karena rinduku padamu tidak seperti jagung kernel kaleng yang mudah basi walaupun aku letakkan di lemari pendingin. Buktinya? Sampai sekarang, perasaan itu masih tetap hangat membekas, sehangat hari terakhir aku melihatmu.

Setelahmu, setelah kamu datang, kemudian pergi.

Aku tak pernah ingat, siapa lagi yang pernah singgah, karena mungkin tidak ada. Alasannya karena mungkin perasaan yang kamu tinggalkan terlalu luar biasa sehingga belum ada yang mampu menggantikan, atau waktu-waktu yang pernah kita habiskan bersama telah membuatku enggan. Aku enggan untuk memiliki kenangan-kenangan, yang pada akhirnya hanya menjadi ingatan yang menyesakkan.

Aku bukan menunggumu.

Aku juga tak berharap kedatanganmu.

Kalau aku berdoa tentangmu, itu pasti karena aku telah putus asa karena kamu enggan pergi dari perasaanku. 

Suatu saat, aku pernah berdoa, untuk setiap waktu, tiba-tiba ingatan tentangmu hadir, teguhkan hatiku, karena aku hampir selalu tak mampu menahan besarnya rindu yang menderu.