I used to have a companion in my delusional point of view that no one would never be able to see. It’s not merely a fiction...

She is a girl with curly hairs tied behind her head. A girl who loves to tell me story that may be inside a lonely box at the corner of the street, if I am brave enough to open it, I would find a breathless woman laid suspiciously. But then it always ended we were the one who run breathlessly, away of that mystery box. She doesn’t have a name and I didn’t give her one either.

But lately she’s nowhere to be found. Usually she would appear and whisper that she had been hiding from my friends.

The last time we had an intimate conversation, she replied my long grouches with brimming eyes, 

“Hang in there... for a little bit more.”

Of all people in this world, she has been the only one wanted to believe me. Of all loneliness embracing spaces between nights and days, she has been the only one who fill my heart chambers. Of all the winning and losing I have gone through, she has been the one who congratulate and console me for the first time.

She is the first one knowing I am not comfortable in who am I now. That girl always asked if I am okay? If I need hug? She said everything is going to be fine. She said I am going to be okay.

“Hang in there, just for a little bit more.” That’s how she told me to endure every fall and rise of my days. I’ll just need to wake up and lead the day.

Nothing more than a cliche gratitude along the way I could tell you of how much I am so thankful for being a part of your life. From the very beginning of my life and still counting for thousands more of life series…

I wish I am still able to grow a little taller, shoulders–a little wider. Someday, I want to stand in places you always guard me from hot and rains, in a place you always able to hide every horror side of this world and let me feel only the breeze that the storm left, yet never failed to edify and instill me with courage and sincerity.

Papa, I want to be the greatest gift for you that would take all the worries you have in both heart and mind. 

Thank you for being my very lovable first love that would never ever ever break me, yet always mend my uneasy heart.

Thank you for meeting mommy and award me this nice ‘’daughter’’ status for the rest of my life.

Thank you for understanding my every inflexible way of behaving and communicating.

How much should I write my gratitude? How much kilobytes I would spend just for uploading all the nice things I have with you?

like those flying birds, i want to be that bold, just once.

How it feels, the nervous feeling you get, while you are walking closer reaching out to your very own dream? Tell me, because I forget.

Once I thought, dream could be easily changed by time. But I am wrong. The denial from my self keeps getting harder. My heart is wavering even stronger.

God, I have a dream, and my dream is bottled out.

The spirit of my life has been so easy come and easy go lately. Just found this cutie notes among dust under the bed. It was written so innocently almost two years ago, when I believed my life will go right on my own-designed path, even it’s a big no, today. But someday, after re-read these spiritful words, I believe it will.

There must be a reason why god put me here, in a place I never wanted to belong. In a place, I find my heart and mind often in their loneliest time. In place, where it’s hard for me to understand how people think. I am still whispering my dream every day, because I don’t want to die being anonymous.

The thought that my upcoming days will be really tougher empowers me, but it somehow frightens me. I have to realize that soon I have to stand by my own feet. For the upcoming days, I should not only be mourning what I have lost so far.

There will be so much obstacles on all sides, but of course I should be my own hero on every road. Not only encouraging my self to stand and walk but to realize how I have been so fool to fall in the past.

I don't know of what will come in the future. I don’t know my rank. What I know is only how I have to make a living, until the fate comes. I’ll never know what and who will I left behind so exact. I will also don’t know who love me or whom I will love. Life is just a mystery.

We were fated to die, to disappear in the end. But no, I don’t want to lose my name, just as my life will lose eventually. Even with so much desperation, I’ll try to ensure, my name will still remain, whatever it takes. Now I might be anonymous to every one. And that’s the loneliest time of all. But I will prove it wrongs.

sharing this nice speech.

deeply for my loser-mental self, what room does fear have? when future has no limit.

Apakah seseorang mengubahmu menjadi tetesan-tetesan hujan di luar jendela? Siapa yang membuatmu seperti itu? Siapa yang berani menjadikanmu uap-uap embun? Kau sendiri.

Kau yang memilih meninggalkan jejak pada waktu gerimis dulu. Kau yang rela sendiri untuk menjadi embun-embun dibalik jendela, tidak, kau bahkan sekarang menghilang tanpa bekas.

Sebuah puisi dari Elizabeth Browning yang sangat aku suka, tentang bagaimana aku mencintaimu.

Aku sedang mendengarkan perasaan-perasaan indah melalui melodi indah dari tarian jari Yiruma di atas piano, berjudul "Because I Love You".

Karena aku mencintaimu.

Telingaku sudah akrab sekali dengan sepuluh suku kata itu, dua puluh abjad, bermakna hati yang sedang berbunga-bunga atau bahkan hati yang mengapur tersakiti.

Kini rasanya lucu, aku melihat beribu-ribu hati yang meluap-luap hanya untuk mengungkapkan tiga kata yang katanya penuh arti, yang sekarang hanya meninggalkan kesan masa lalu padaku. Sederhana saja, akupun tak bisa menolak untuk tak senyum-senyum sendiri mendengar kata-kata itu yang kemudian membuat wajahmu terbayang jelas di depan mataku.

Senja hadir bersama kelopak rona jingganya, bersama mahkota mega ungu memenuhi ujung-ujung langit barat. Siapa yang bisa menolak hangat seperti ini? Penuh lelah tetapi tak mungkin jika senja ini tak tulus mengantarkan burung-burung bersayap itu pulang ke rumah.

Mengapa senja itu indah?

Aku masih sangat mengingatnya, hari ketika aku merasakannya, perasaan yang luar biasa hingga akupun tak yakin mampu menahannya. Di awal senja, di awal musim hujan, di awal pertemuan lucu itu...

"Kau tidak pulang?" suara itu, aku merasa belum pernah merekamnya. Nada ramahnya itu khas sekali, membawa hangat seketika di tengah hujan yang berusaha keras menakut-nakuti siapapun yang berani menantangnya. Aku juga salah satu yang takut.
Aku menghela napasku perlahan, membalikkan tubuhku hingga bisa melihat kedua matanya yang berkedip, manis sekali.
"Sepertinya hujan tidak akan reda sampai malam nanti, kau akan sampai kapan di situ?" dia membaca gerak mataku yang jelas menanti hujan usai. Tapi sayangnya aku tak terbiasa berbicara dengan seseorang yang tak aku kenal. Bibirku enggan bergerak, walau di dalam hatiku, aku merasa seperti ada banyak katak yang melompat-lompat. Mataku tak mampu lama-lama melihat wajahnya, keadaan yang sangat rumit jika harus aku gambarkan bagaimana berkelebatnya hati dan pikiranku saat itu. Hanya karena sepasang mata itu...

"Kau tak menjawabku?" suaranya kembali menggema disekitarku. Rasanya gemuruh hujan itu jadi membisu seketika gelombang-gelombang longitudinal itu menari menuju gendang telingaku. Hanya ada dua pilihan, menjawabnya dan membiarkan diriku seperti makhluk bisu. Jawab... diam... jawab... diam... jawab atau diam? Ketika aku menjawabnya, dia tidak akan pergi setelah mendengarkan jawabanku, kan? Atau sebaliknya, dia tidak akan begitu saja pergi ketika aku tetap diam, kan?

Aku menghitungnya, setelah tiga kali aku mengedipkan mataku pelan, suaraku melarikan diri menujunya.

"Hujan besar..."

Setelah kata itu selesai kuucapkan, aku tak habis-habisnya menyalahkan diriku. Bagaimana bisa aku menjawab dengan ekspresi wajah seperti itu? Kenapa aku harus menjawab? Kenapa harus kata-kata itu yang keluar, bagaimana tadi suaraku terdengar? Aku pasti sangt ceroboh telah mengatakan kalimat lugu itu.

Dia bergeser, aku pikir mungkin dia ingin pergi saja...
Tapi ternyata dia tertawa dan menempati tempat di sebelahku duduk.

"Aku juga menunggu hujan berhenti..."
Lagi-lagi suaranya membuat jantungku ingin meledak saat itu.

Matanya, seolah berbicara juga mengikuti gerak bibirnya. Bolehkan aku menyentuh bulu matanya? Saat itu tidak terlihat lentik, tapi yang aku lihat, sedikit panjang dan keriting.

Sayang sekali, ketika itu aku tak berani menatapnya. Aku takut. Takut tenggelam dalam dirinya yang menggemaskan. Ya. Ketika itu, dia masih seorang anak laki-laki yang lucu, apa aku boleh mengatakan bahwa tubuhnya gilik? atau gempal? Ah, pokoknya dia terlihat bulat dengan suaranya yang bernada halus.

"Aku kelas 4A, kelas kita bersebelahan kan?"
Suaranya seperti bertanya, tapi sepertinya dia tidak menunggu jawabanku, nadanya mungkin hanya ingin memastikan saja.

Aku memang tidak berniat berkata apapun, tapi awalnya aku juga tidak berniat untuk membuat hatiku kembali beratraksi. Tapi pertanyaannya membuatku sedikit merasa bodoh. Ya tuhan, mengapa aku tidak pernah mengenalnya? atau yang mudah saja-lah, setidaknya seharusnya aku pernah melihatnya kan?

Aku terlalu sibuk menenangkan elektron-elektron yang berlompatan di dalam tubuhku, dia mungkin sibuk menghitung tetesan deras yang lama kelamaan melembut. Tidak ada pembicaraan lain setelah itu, hanya terdengar gemuruh hujan. Aku hanya berani melihat sepatunya yang basah diujungnya, sepatu coklat tanpa tali dengan dua perekat yang berjajar.

Kisah ini sudah aku bawa sepuluh tahun lamanya, entah letaknya di lobus mana otakku, atau mungkin di sebelah mana ruang jantungku, mungkin juga di sela tulang rusuk, entahlah, pertemuan pertama yang sebenarnya terlihat tidak istimewa itu, tanpa percakapan yang panjang, tapi untukku sistem memori dan emosiku mampu menahannya untuk tak pergi.

Awal yang luar biasa...

In what era we are living now? Why I still could see kids under great misfortune?

Hi world. How do you do? Those kids are missing your shine watching them walking to their dreams of better living. Tell their mommy and daddy to at least once remember they have a great and cheerful kids who will replace all the old fighters. They will be this nation's strength, the backbone of the country.

They are kids who long for affections, they are kids who need to strive more, more than others.

Hundreds of kids living with too much threats. One who is so shy to join the others, one who was so brave asking me to shake her hand, one who seems so shy but cute in front of camera, one who likes to fool around, every one was just distinct in my sight. They are around 4 to 11 years old kids from down-and-out families. They are too vulnerable for parents to let them go wandering around without eyes to watch over. Hundreds of kids are threatened to lose their innocent childhood because their environment already so contorted with too much thought of consumerism and sexism. A question, who should be responsible for this disgusting fact? They are seriously a victim of how environment evolves.


Have you ever seen kids wandering around the streets? They beg for money, not only for them to buy candy, not only for them to go playing at internet cafe, they beg because if they don’t, their mom wouldn’t let them sleep inside their house. I witnessed it my self, in that area where the fathers were too busy with their bottles of alcohol and the mothers go out at night to seek clients, the kids have to compete one another to seek money from the streets. I have never believed before, but it’s true, there are also some of kids born without knowing who is the father, because too many guys come to their mother every night

Rather, I am also amazed with how they are all grown twice of their age. With those little hands and toes which just looked like a rabbit's tooth, they could say something like homosexual, sex, alcohol, things that I my self still find it hard to understand. Those innocent face, where are the soul?



 It's like a conservation.

conservation

1. The protection of plants and animals, natural areas, and interesting and important structures and buildings, especially from the damaging effects of human activity.

2. Carefully using valuable natural substances that exist in limited amounts in order to make certain that they will be available for as long a time as possible.
 

I am not really sure of how, but I am sure that place is really protected by some people who have interest on it. Everyone knows a practice of prostitution is running tnere, but no one doing something. People are making sure that place will be available for as long a time as possible just as how we know no one would take blame and responsible for this social disease.

Surely, what I thought when seeing those kids is, they are inside a deadly cycle of life. When later they grow up, they will be no different from what their parents are doing now. They will blame the situation and the fate they are in. 

They actually need someone to take them out.

Suatu saat, aku duduk di bangku kayu yang bersandaran, di pagi yang tidak dingin tapi menyejukkan. Ketika itu, nafasku tidak beraturan, ada yang ingin meledak di dalam dadaku, tapi ternyata itu bukan apa-apa yang serius, aku hanya sedang gugup karena hari itu adalah kompetisi pertamaku. Pantas saha, perempuan kecil berusia sebelas tahun dulu begitu terengah.

Apakah orang-orang terlambat? atau aku yang begitu semangat menyambut kompetisi pertamaku? Di tempat yang tak kukenal itu, aku hanya memberanikan diri untuk bersandar di kursi kayu panjang. Apa yang bisa aku lakukan saat itu? Hanya mengayunkan kaki-kaki ku yang tergantung karena kursi itu terlalu tinggi. Seperti itu hingga aku bosan dan ada bayangan yang aku lihat dekat tempatku bersandar.

Aku mengenalnya, dia laki-laki berbadan gilik yang cerdas, tak heran aku terpesona. Belum sempat aku temukan apa pesonanya, harus bertemu langsung untuk menemukan kesannya.

Dia bukan orang yang pemalu, dia tahu aku memandangnya dengan sedikit rayu dan ketika itu, ketika hanya aku dan dia yang ada di tempat asing itu, yang membuatku tak sanggup berkata, "Kamu suka denganku, ya?".

Aku hanya bisa dengar suara lucunya. Aku tak lihat bentuk ekspresi apa yang dia pasang saat itu, raut apa yang ada di ujung bibirnya, dan pandangan seperti apa yang berteduh di bawah bulu mata lentiknya. Aku hanya mampu tersipu dan membisu.

Rindu ini tentu semakin rindang, tapi tak seperti rimbun daun-daun beringin yang sejuk untuk tempat berteduh. 

Dari cerita masa kecilku, aku tak menyangka akan terus teringat hingga sekarang. Ketika dia telah hilang.

Sosok yang penuh kesan.

Kami memiliki hobi yang sama saat itu. Tak hanya itu, bahkan guru kursus piano kami adalah orang yang sama.

Semoga tempatmu bersemayam nyaman dan hangat, sampai jumpa di kehidupan yang lain. Rasanya benar-benar menyesakkan untuk menyadari bahwa sementara ini aku tak mungkin melihatmu lagi, entah sementara atau selamanya. Sudah lima tahun sejak hari yang tak terduga itu, aku tak ingin mengingat kapan hari pastinya. Inginku, itu tak pernah terjadi.

Counting days to the start of new semester and rewarding my self for a short holiday in a town, 6-hour away from home. In the last week of holiday when it's should be the most hectic days preparing for the next jam, I am carefree-ly away from home and siding at sister's new boarding room. Sorry guys, I care for my serotonin better than everything. Ha-ha...

A night of two sisters who wished to get the meals by delivery had to be ruined to another way because none of us had cash in hands. With sleepy and sluggish body, we didn't even care to prettily design our night attire. 

And...

We drove out with cozy pajama, no cologne, no lotion, no powders, and no shame for being too clumsy among people who dressed beautifully.

Ordering two portion of ramen, two iced-lemon tea, and Sakana (basically a takoyaki with i-forgot-the-name sauce), we tried to once be a shameless girls fooling around only with pajama.

Ebi Furai Ramen

I wanted to describe my 'sinking' ebi furai ramen which was damn so good. Firstly, the main attraction which is the ebi was a bit off. Why? we usually got our ebi tempura with crispy coat, right? But what I got was the sinking ebi tempura in the sea of ramen's soup. Well, the juicy taste of ebi was still there, luckily, but getting my ebi tempura already swamped inside the bowl was just...

But, that wasn't really matter actually since the soup is just so so good. Maybe, that was one of the most delectable ramen's soup I have ever tried. Complete with sliced-leek, nori, and the crunchy of sesame seeds, the dish was really warm for dinner meal. 

Well, that's our dinner, how's yours? 

I am writing this while laying prone facing my sister's laptop, away from home, Semarang, listening to random songs.

The holiday will end really soon, so sad that my leisure time has to end...

How should we struggle upon this society’s disease? Who should take this blame? And why this problem never meets its end?

I was enjoying the night before my exam on the next day, with no other intention, with my half empty head, I sat on a mat, well--just call it a mat, a man around thirty offers me to rent his piece of cloth with something printed on it, like a banner ad. That’s just how people earn money these days, everything can do. He does a business with me over a used banner ad cost five thousands rupiah.

I don’t remember how long exactly I sat there just as how i don’t remember how many persons came either with clapping their hands and singing  or just with hand opened shoving toward me.

First Judgment?

They are beggars, prone to be a thread and they have no shame for being one.

Beggar /ˈbeg.ə r / /-ɚ/ noun
1. A person, typically a homeless one, who lives by asking for money or food.
2. [with adjective] informal A person of a specified type, especially one to be envied or pitied.

Agreeing to what George Orwell wrote in his first book, Down and Out in Paris and London,

“A beggar, looked at realistically, is simply a businessman, getting his living, like other businessmen, in the way that comes to hand. He has not, more than most modern people, sold his honor, he has merely made the mistake of choosing a trade at which it is impossible to grow rich”

If only government could forget about their value, beggar could have been a profession, a progressive one to oblige them paying taxes.

Taking the perspective economically, they are doing very profitable business but little-or-much they cause loss in some way. Beggar is a passive commerce, in one side they get profit but reversely they can’t give anything back, except ensuring those noble act of compassion and generousness will get a payback from god.

If people think that maybe those people are only the victims of poverty, or some would harshly say they come from the incompetence of government, we can’t say it’s not right. They probably will use that excuse when you ask.

They are capable enough to receive the training base on their interest which actually alienate their reason for not giving contribution when in another place we can see how people selling newpapers, being a laborer, or just anything legal for supporting their family.

Despite the fact that beggar is illegal, harming society’s value, or damaging national’s economy in further, beggar problem is like prostitution. No matter how bad we want to settle this case, it’s also hard to answer where will we put those thousands of people. We can’t hide that indeed in another side government also feel burdened. How long will the government’s hand able to bear those people, protect them like how they protect others? 

 

They are beggar, they say that’s the only way to live by funding to fulfill their needs.