July 22, 2023

I am nearly burnt out, but trying to hold on for a little more. Knowing the road I am walking on bringing me to the dream I have been wishing in every single prayer.

God, I am holding on...

Life has never been easy for everyone, for every single me, sweat, and tear. I woke up everyday in pain and despair, yet with ambition and yearning that one day it would come to a point where I would appreciate the steps I decided to take then. Keep striving my little self and big heart!

I decided to start reading again, starting off with Matt Haig's Comfort Book. Giving my self a little down-time among hectic and chaotic working hours that hardly manageable. And it works, I believe it works to let me re-arrange my mind. 

I planned things, to study for upcoming tests, to take my two lovely fur balls for grooming, and to clean up my messed-up bedroom.

I finished a series of Amazon's Korean Drama, Battle for Happiness.
A series portraying mothers who strive to show people how warm and harmonized their family, ended up in murder case, entangled with infidelity, bankruptcy and every worst case possibly happened in marriage. People sometimes look very scary, how they try to protect their own interest, put others in catastrophe.

I am currently putting some songs on repeat in between the morning hustle and late night study: Seventeen's Super, Lee Dae Hwi's Rose, Scent, Kiss, BSS's Fighting, and Schumann's Traumerei

 May 31, 2023

Kalau bisa kukirim pesan menembus angkasa, kau yang kini lebih jauh dari venus, 

"Pernahkah menderita rindu yang amat ini?"

Kapan lagi ilalang ini akan menjadi rindang, selain di musim semi bertabur aster dan bakung.

Angin meniup sayap sayap kumbang yang malu dan canggung.

Menemani kesepianku sambil bersenandung.

 March 9, 2023

Bahwa aku sulit lupa, bahwa aku yang akan menderita, seharusnya dia tahu... 

Tapi Tuhan terlanjur sudah membawanya jauh, menyisakkan aku yang rapuh...

 February 22, 2023

Bersama langit yang tenang dan rembulan remang, aku sampaikan doa melalui setiap angin yang mengayun pelan.

"Tuhan, sampai nanti kami bertemu kembali, buatlah hangat hatinya, agar tak sempat membeku diantara sepi yang merayu."

"Tuhan, hingga suatu saat kami bertatap lagi, peluklah dirinya bersama amanmu, agar utuh raga dan jiwanya."

"Diantara semesta dan kasih-Mu yang tak berujung, jadikanlah dia satu, salah satu dari kesayangan-Mu, agar bahagiannya tercukupkan, agar lengkap senyumnya."

Ruangku terbatas tapi rinduku tanpa ruas, semoga sampai pada benaknya. Aku menjaganya melalui penciptanya, Tanpa ragu.

 October 12, 2022

i am lost, in myriads of questions, of how and why, of where and when.

  how life would turn in distant future after i lead few steps ahead.

  why is it hard to stay stand still

  where this path walks me to

  and, when would i need to stop worrying of uncertainties

i don't own the universe.

  the path often turns into enigmatic roads.

  the reality hits me, drains me...

April 1, 2022

Di atas mimpi pelarianku, ada seberkas penyesalan yang nyata, seperti hujan di awal Januari, yang sesekali datang ditemani kilat sebagai penyangganya-- aku menjadi takut, bukan sekedar menyesal. 

"Apakah benar langkah yang aku jejaki?"

"Apakah akan berujung di hamparan bahagia? atau hanya angan sia-sia?" 

Begitu, suara-suara gemercik kecil yang kerap muncul di ujung malam.

Aku seperti dalam labirin, dibutakan dinding-dinding kokoh yang terlalu tinggi, hingga letih mencari jalan keluar dan akhirnya hanya menahan perih keputusasaan. Andai... ketika itu aku memilih untuk tak memulai langkah. Andai... kala itu aku mengikuti keraguanku-- aku mungkin tak berada di tengah sesat ini.

Bisakah sekali saja, aku pinjam pintu keluar? kerap kali aku ingin punya jalan pintas, agar tak terjebak lika-liku yang tak kunjung berakhir. Mungkin sekali saja, jika pintu terlalu berat, bagaimana kalau jendela saja? Biarkan aku mengintip ada apa di luar sana. Mungkin ada kucing liar yang sedang berguling-guling di aspal? Mungkin setangkai mawar sedang mencoba merekah? Mungkin beringin sedang merindang? 

Aku berada dalam jalan setapak. Ada kerikil-kerikil kecil di bawah kaki-ku, tanahnya bergelombang seperti ombak pasang-surut pantai selatan, terkadang aku melihat lubang-lubang kecil seperti sarang tikus tanah, mungkin? ada juga tunas - tunas rumput liar yang tak sengaja aku injak, setiap sudut liku-nya ada tanaman putri malu, tak banyak-- hanya beberapa. Kalau hujan turun, kaki-ku terasa seperti ditelan hidup-hidup meninggalkan jejak yang cukup untuk menjadi kubangan. Pada dindingnya, banyak tumbuhan rambat, sesekali mungkin aku menemukan kupu-kupu kecil berwarna putih salju, tetapi lebih sering aku temukan koloni nyamuk. Aku harap, tumbuhan rambat ini barangkali bisa berubah menjadi pohon markisa atau semangka, setidaknya, ketika matahari terik buahnya bisa melepas dahaga.

Labirin yang tidak indah, di mana akan berujung?

January 29, 2022

walking and keep roaming, through the myriads of hills and sheers of tears, but i keep walking, yes i do. passing by the long bench-- i thought i would at least be able to catch my breath before strolling further, but winds are throwing pebbles. 

and i am here, now, am so restless.

it's only four weeks since the new year commenced, yet i am already so beaten.

December 18, 2021

For the everlasting restless heart of mine...

Life is supposed to be thrilling..

for me to carry on ?

After the fights, of the highs-and-downs,

then comes another rains and storms...

yet, i haven't found what universe wants to show me

roads seems boundless

and i have often become careless

tears and drips--

despairs and agonies--

i have grown exasperated..

i, once, devised--

what if--

i had given in?

what if--

i decided to runaway, then?

would it be any better?

though--

i have-- too many times-- encountered uncertainties.

 October 1, 2021

It feels unfair, now. That every remaining memories about you, is just a memory now.  

"No Vanilla Latte today." he uttered, looking like threatening me with his small eyes-- that absolutely never worked on me. 

"No vanilla latte?"  i questioned the counter-lady, and she was confused as if asking me back tilting her head an inch.

"Let's just have americano. Two?"  

He lured me to follow him-- oh not going to work, dear...

"Me -- vanilla latte, please..." I handed my card.

He flicked me and laughed.

"Someone is gonna pile up sugar in her cheeks again today."

"Yes. Who cares?"

It was his first treat. His very own 4.5 dollars which almost fly me to the moon, not because it was enough to buy the rocket's ticket and all the astronaut's gears -- but his very 4.5 dollars contained his whole hearty heart.

It was his first text, yesterday. His very own single seconds he spared to ask me out for a coffee. It was a very short query:

"tomorrow, coffee?" 

 two words-- but means world to me. 

Mr. Americano, never spent his times to prattle on a chat, he is rather short and flat.

We met today, for the first time we didn't call it coincidence, even though i knew, the yesterday, and another yesterday were also not a coincidence-- i did wait for him to appear.

"so, busy?" he started the talk.

"ah-- did i ask about your day job?"

"i never expected you would be in that field..."

"but we connect well-- in many ways..."

 "it is a fate-- i believe it is..."

 "we crossed ways-- well, anyway..."

He is effusive.

But his every words was a trigger for my SA-nodes. 

It spurred my heartbeat-- in a good way. 

My facial nerve got crazy and couldn't stop smiling -- oh dear...