Once I thought, it would be nice to just stay inside my comfortable zone, inside a warm embrace of mommy's arms, and keep my self away from the stormy seas. But that only works for those who never think of any headway, for people who never dreamed of becoming mature and holding the word inside their hand. But I have come to a realization that I need to improve! I must advance!

Everyone at one of thousands points throughout lives would fail, would fall, would lose, would suck at thing, would regret, would embarrass their selves. And today, it's my turn to fall and land on the lowest profile of this world, too low from the hopes that I have been trying to revive. Falling is painful. I got wounds. I got scars inside heart that is inflexible to mend. This, maybe (I am exaggerating) is one of the toughest way I need to hike up back to be on top, my favorite place.

Let me tell you, how it happened. How finally I need to experience the agonizing tumble in the beginning of this year, 2016.

I made a really hard decision of whether i should challenge, at least to see how my self is doing this far. I didn't do anything yet, until it was minus one day from the closing date. I didn't fill in the application form, hadn't thought of making a motivation letter, and printed my GPA script, not until it was minus one day from the deadline. Such a deadliner!

I was just going to bury my gut under the fears and doubts when my heart said it would be a lost to miss such a chance to challenge and prove myself. Thus, I finally apply with nothing to wish rather than a precious experience of competing, without ambition, without obsession. I tell you, I looked like only gambling with luck at first.

It passed just like that, I even forgot that I applied because there were too much things occupied me such as nonsense midnight crying until skipping classes reasoning I was too fed up by those lectures I could read on my own. Honestly, this semester was just like a playground, I idled at the library, sleeping, playing candy crush, reading novels or news about Afghanistan's Taliban to Pakistan's homemade drone.

...

Days kept ticking and I didn't know where I finally found a commitment to mingle. I was suddenly being entangled with thing called anatomy. The damn difficult thing is now occupying my every chamber of my heart, even in every depression and elevation of my body's organs, even now after being completely rejected.

How did I get rejected?

Firstly, I am a stupid nut. There's no way they would accept such a big empty head to be there.

Secondly, I am a stupid nut who always have a hard time bustling with structures, places, and weird names.

Thirdly, I am a stupid nut who isn't smart.

Fourthly, I am stupid.

Fifthly, I am stupid.

I am stupid, I know right.

The whole reason might be I am a stupid damn big head with no talents or something to offer.

But I swear, I love it so much to learn about anatomy and be in daze, even though it's not easy to keep my eyes immersed onto the big thick atlas. Two minutes and I would get bored, I closed it. And I re-opened it, two minutes later I got bored and flew away finding a release, then back to stare, two minutes later I would feel like I am dying from those matters, then I pretend to die but then waking up again just to stare and tried to visualize every pictures onto my body. Ha-ha. I have those structures called bones, muscles, tendons, ligaments, arteries, veins, everything inside me.

Even if it's not my favorite thing, it always gets me the feel in inevitable way. As long as I am happy, how hard it it, I would still rush for it, even if I didn't get to sleep and fight off my melatonin to stay up. Easy babe...

And I have been completely rejected. OUT!

Bitter-smile.

But...

Oprah Winfrey said,


Michael Jordan was cut from his high-school basketball team. Does he look like he's bad at basketball? No.

Walt Disney was fired from his first job because people said he was lack of imagination. The beatles was rejected from the recording studios because people said they had no future in show business.

It's okay to fall. Fall forward and stand up!

I still have thousand more way than enough to understand, outside there, with every sincere wish to be better. I will still be able to learn. I will.

After the whole ups and downs, going through the uncertainties, finally everything must come to an end.

It's already my third semester studying in medicine. Having a start with wavering heart whether this place fits in me or whether I am deserved to survive here, I am still finding how I have to land on something stable in this college life. 

It's either a good news or maybe a bad news. I have just collected all my courage to attempt enrolling my self onto some kind of laboratory assistant, exactly anatomy. And I have just cried of all disappointment for once again encounter failing in my life.

Honestly, I am not freaked about anatomy. If I would rank the things I like while I am studying medicine, anatomy would not top my preferences. It's not that I hate anatomy, but I felt it harder when I have to stay up awakened putting my focus and all eyes on an atlas, and this is my only excuse, I am not a visual person. Reasonable?

I thought being one of their family members would be a help for me to learn more about anatomy since I found it's hard  to study and struggle alone for it. That's why I challenged my self to grab a responsibility. Why? I believed I would be more motivated to learn and give more efforts in learning anatomy. Being a lab-assistant means I have to master anything more than the ordinary student would, because I have to share and make sure others would understand what I taught and I thought I would be pushed more to learn anatomy harder than before with this kind of responsibility. But, god says no. I am not deserved to be there.

It's so sad and I cried. Recently I have settled my heart to commit here and hundred percents I put my hope onto this thing. 

While I found it's harder learning about anatomy, my other impression is that I found anatomy is fun. And believe or not, one of the reason finally I decided to go ahead enrolling my self is my curiosity. I have my own style for studying anatomy and I could say it wasn't a fail. And I thought I could share how I hardly study to digest any matters in books even if you have to put more times and efforts. 

I felt like I didn't get enough understanding of what actually anatomy is, so far. 

The happy thing is that I have given out what inside my heart, I didn't pretend anything saying I love anatomy so much so that I decided to enroll. I told all my worries and I am relieved now. I thought I have grown more mature. 

I sincerely congratulate for all my fellows who is having a good end. I know it best, you are all deserved to be there. 

I would always reminisce this moment as one of my ground for jumping and running higher than ever. I would not stop looking for answers of all curiosities raising in my head, even if I don't get a chance there, I would still be able to learn outside. I have promised my self to be responsible for choosing to live as medical student and be a sweet doctor for my patients. I would learn harder so I wouldn't misdiagnosed people.

And I would definitely find my stage for my passion to grow. Yes, sharing things with others, being a story teller, being a teacher, are my passion of all passions I have. I hope, I'll still be able to enjoy and find a box for my passion to grow into joy.

Wait for me...

"Awalnya catatan ini berjudul, Gemuruh dalam Diam. Catatan yang baru saja aku baca kembali dan aku tiba-tiba merasa lucu karena pernah menuliskan hal-hal murahan itu menjadi sebuah memo panjang. Entah ketika itu apa yang aku pikirkan, tapi aku senang bisa melihat kembali bagaimana aku telah tumbuh..."

...

Been almost six months, another six months being a lucky worm in college. While everybody is enjoying their off days already, I still have to wait for another week and beat up the last examination series. But, life is fair I think, I got to have some days off to enjoy a leisure lunch with sister at “Mary Anne”

I tried to search for the exact altitude but seems like google maps hasn’t claimed it yet. But to find it, you just need to head up a bit from Graha Widyatama Unsoed’s Auditorium Purwokerto. And…  ignore the address at the left box, it was just a thing I took from the google maps when typing “Mary Anne”. 

Here’s some pictures I took just to invite your drools out, Ha-ha!

Lime Squash: great taste of lime inside the sweet carbonated water. Carbonated: it’s smarting when touches your tongue, it’s relieving when you burp. So addicting!

Carbonara: Kinda a bit disappointed with the carbonara. I don’t know if it wasn’t my taste or what, but for me it was too salty and the bread wasn’t crunchy as what I expected.

Full companion: tasty foods, refreshing drinks, fussy sister, wonderful books, and sweets. Life is about talking or changing mind with your trusted one, gaining knowledge and experiencing imaginations through the books you read, refueling your energy with carbohydrates and fats, and recharging your serotonin with sweets.

Good Time Ice Cream: chocolate is a cure and you don’t need an appointment. They are a good serotonin donor which would boost your joy by creating good memories inside your brain to increase motivation and mood.

If you love ice cream so much to the level you want to “ice-creamize” anything, they have like more than 50 tastes, all different.

We sat at the corner and it’s a cozy place to hang out with your friends or if you need a place to do your assignments since there’s a free WiFi access.

Ternyata telah lagi berganti tahun, mudah saja 365 hari yang penuh rindu itu berlalu lalang. Sudah hari ke delapan belas di tahun dua ribu enam belas yang berarti akan menandakan bahwa hampir enam tahun wahai sang manis kesayangan tuhan telah berada jauh tak dalam pandanganku, mendekati juga hari ulang tahunmu yang ke dua puluh tahun.

dua puluh tahun?

Kau mungkin sudah tampan seperti bagaimana biasanya manusia tumbuh. Dua puluh tahun itu waktu yang luar biasa, tak inginkah kau berkunjung? Sebentar saja, aku ingin, walaupun sedikit saja mendengar kita bercengkerama. Aku menyimpan banyak sekali cerita untuk mu, untuk mu mendengarnya sedikit saja. Aku juga sudah tumbuh dan beranjak hampir menjadi dewasa. 

Aku sedang berjalan di jalan sepetak yang aku ingin kau sesekali memegangi payung yang biasanya aku pegang sendiri. Aku sedang berjalan di atas tanah yang terkadang membuatku sesak dan aku ingin kau sesekali menjengukku, biar hilang sesak di dada. 

Wajah jinggaku, 

bolehkah aku mengganti panggilanmu menjadi wajah jinggaku? Itu terlihat cerah dan bahagia. 

Ilalang itu mulai sombong, sekarang seringkali juga kumbang tak menyemangati mega untuk tetap menjingga di senja. Waktu sela senjaku sebelum petang menjadi membosankan, jujur saja, akupun telah lama tak menyaksikan matahari berjalan ke peraduannya, Aku tertidur dan tiba-tiba hari telah berganti begitu saja. Karena aku lelah dan bersedih, aku mungkin pengecut karena mencoba lari dari suara dentingan jam yang seharusnya aku mengamatinya. Tapi aku terlalu takut, aku telah berkali-kali mencoba untuk keluar dari jalan yang menyesakkan ini, tapi akupun tak tahu harus berjalan ke arah mana lagi...

Aku memang tak tahu malu kan?

Aku terus berkeluh kesah, padahal aku tahu, kau mungkin sedang mendaki pegunungan dingin penuh batu atau sarang serigala. Kau juga mungkin sedang kesulitan dan telah berkali-kali menyeka air matamu. Pasti kau sedang berusaha, karena kau telah datang jauh ke tempatmu berada sekarang, jauh di ujung sana yang aku tak mampu menerkanya. 

Selamat berjuang juga, wajah jinggaku yang aku harap tetap berbahagia. Karena kau adalah pria manis yang aku ingat selalu... 

I used to have a companion in my delusional point of view that no one would never be able to see. It’s not merely a fiction...

She is a girl with curly hairs tied behind her head. A girl who loves to tell me story that may be inside a lonely box at the corner of the street, if I am brave enough to open it, I would find a breathless woman laid suspiciously. But then it always ended we were the one who run breathlessly, away of that mystery box. She doesn’t have a name and I didn’t give her one either.

But lately she’s nowhere to be found. Usually she would appear and whisper that she had been hiding from my friends.

The last time we had an intimate conversation, she replied my long grouches with brimming eyes, 

“Hang in there... for a little bit more.”

Of all people in this world, she has been the only one wanted to believe me. Of all loneliness embracing spaces between nights and days, she has been the only one who fill my heart chambers. Of all the winning and losing I have gone through, she has been the one who congratulate and console me for the first time.

She is the first one knowing I am not comfortable in who am I now. That girl always asked if I am okay? If I need hug? She said everything is going to be fine. She said I am going to be okay.

“Hang in there, just for a little bit more.” That’s how she told me to endure every fall and rise of my days. I’ll just need to wake up and lead the day.