As you age, you’ll develops your own theories of how you want to act in your entire life. Everyone has their own art in choosing thousands of wisdom and lessons, to choose one or to seek their own way. I have been going to school, receiving all sorts of preach from teachers for seventeen years now and I feel like I have my own freedom to convey any values ​​and morals which ever been instilled.

Formal education plays an important role in preparing everyone to determine of  what kind of person they will grow and develop. What good education would help? Friendly Education.

The theory put forward by William Glasser can describe what kind of education should be done. Glasser said that there are four basic needs of children, freedom, achievements, joy, and love, and these four points should be instillled in school. Teachers, should be able to ensure classrooms are fun and interesting for every student, despite their misbehave behavior. Misbehave behavior of each student is a proof that freedom is still exist, but in a condition that consequences are also available. A teacher is allowed to own the right of authority in the classroom to control conducive situation.

This is one form of discipline. Assertive discipline is a solution to misbehave behavior. According to Lee and Marlene Canter, discipline aims to teach students to choose the action that can be accounted for. Discipline may take place on condition that a teacher should not waver in the face of student behavior that tries to beg, bribe, cry, angry, aggressive or sulk.

One of the failures that often hamper the progress of discipline value is inconsistency in applying the rules. Friendly education is an education accommodated with love and compassion. However this is often used as a proposition to release a student who is at fault. For a teacher, showing care, sympathy, even empathy is essential to establish respect in students. But, to be objective is also important to establish the student responsible.

O–nice life, while I am still able to feel my head fully compressed by shattered and scattered lectures’ matters, papers, readings, cheap typical dilemma of teenager, and all those bugs filling every single space of my lobes. Ha-ha, how nice…

THAT’S–what makes curse is damn heavenly good.

In today’s 24/7 world, stress affects us in myriads ways. From the light-simple bad mood to the badly extreme migraine, from the unknown reason crying and yelling to excessive unstoppable munching habit. Those are all how people will define and notify that they are in one of “stressed-out” phase of life. True?

Then, what would one do to relieve their stress? to at least escape from the inflexible feeling of the heart?

Most of them would run around the town.

Go dating? Hmm… seeing his smile is an answer of all problems.

Yelling out loud, cursing, swearing. Oh-damn, I owe so much to those who found those words of curse. 

But… I would walk to the convenient store, grabbing one bar of $1 delfi chocolate, one with almond inside. First of all, it’s not tiring. Secondly, I am not really sure if I have someone to go dating with. 

Thirdly, I hate when my throat sore from all shouting. The last, it’s sweet and comfort me.

Parker and Crawford had proven that from 3000 individuals with clinical depression, 45% showed their crave for eating chocolate reasoning it would help them with their mood. Chocolate has been used as clinical therapy since the days of the Aztecs. Interesting?

Some researchers concluded that chocolate has therapeutic effect on modulating stress. It was reported that consuming 50 g of dark chocolate could decrease stress reactivity through suppressing cortisol synthesis from adrenal gland. The modulating effect of chocolate is done by inhibiting serotonin degradation and prolongs its action on creating happiness. Salsalinol (SAL) contents in chocolate also bind to dopamine receptors which affect reward system and endorphins production. 

Another interesting mechanism of chocolate psychoactive effect is acted by the nutritional value. High intake of high-carbohydrate and tryptophan would increase your insulin’s plasma level. Insulin plays crucial role as amino acid transporter and help tryptophan decreasing their competitor passing blood-brain barrier to be converted into serotonin. Thus, it’s an important mechanism which increase serotonin level in brain post-synapse. 

By the way, I am just finding my own justification and excuses to keep enjoying chocolate despite the weight-gain I am facing. Whatever it takes, make your self happy first! Happy, happy :)

Di mana rindu ini akan bermuara?

Di antara ribuan teriknya hati yang menunggu.

Rasanya, aku mulai tak percaya dan merasa tak adil tentang "waktu yang akan menjawab..."

tak adil karena lambat laun aku menjadi lelah menunggu.

Bisakah kita hentikan candaan yang mulai tak lucu ini?

Dengan apapun caranya.

 Tak terasa...

mungkin malam mulai bosan mendengarkan.

aku juga mulai bosan.

rasa itu tak memiliki dimensi.

tapi melampaui jarak dan waktu itu bukannya tak sulit kan? 

tak mudah.

hampir tujuh tahun itu bukan main-main.

lama.

dan perasaan itu masih teretensi di sini, dengan rindu dan resah yang semakin membuatnya berkarat.

untuk kesekian kalinya, aku yang menjadi ragu.

Tuhan menjawab pertanyaan dan harapan hambanya melalui langit yang tak berhingga. Entah mengapa semua prahara di dunia bisa terjadi, namun pasti ada keinginan pemilik semesta ini mengatakan sesuatu pada hamba yang penuh dengan kecurigaan dan kesalahpahaman ini.

Jika aku masih saja memendam prasangka, pasti karena tak cukup imanku untuk memahami maksud pertikaian antara air mata dan kemerahan di mataku. Tapi manusia seperti aku ini memang sangat gemar menuduhkan murka sembarangan, walau sebenarnya tak pantas.

Nafasku terengah-engah, disela air mata yang tak berhenti menghujam sesak dalam dada. Ini kali kedua, aku merasa patah hati karena kekecewaan. Sekali lagi aku merasa hancur dan enggan mencari alasan atas kegagalan.

Ingin kusampaikan beribu umpat dan hujatan kepada helai angin yang seperti menertawakanku...

Aku sebenarnya sedang mencari perhatian Tuhan, walau aku tahu aku tak perlu mencari.

Aku sebenarnya sedang ingin menunjukkan kesaksian betapa sedih dan hebatnya rasa kecewa ini karena ulah Tuhan. Tapi sungguh, aku hamba yang tak tahu diri!

Janji apa yang Tuhan harusnya penuhi pada hamba-Nya ini? Janji Apa?

Tidak ada.

Karena aku bukan pemilik semesta ini. Tak ada kekuatan rasanya untuk sekedar meminta Tuhan memenuhi keserakahan hamba-Nya. Memang tak ada.

Harus apa lagi?

Jika meminta untuk dikabulkan rasanya berlebihan, maka bisakah hanya meminta saja? Hanya meminta tanpa imbuhan keinginan untuk dikabulkan?

Apalah lagi yang hamba ini bisa hidupkan? Selain bernafas bersela doa dan syukur. Pemilik semesta ini tak pernah menagih uang kontrakan.

Kalau saja Tuhan itu perhitungan, habis diri ini dijualpun tak mungkin mampu penuhi itu.

Bersyukur sajalah dengan apa yang ada, jika telah pandai bersyukur, berita apapun yang Tuhan sampaikan, tak akan ada berat di hati,

 Adakah orang yang berkenan menjenguk mataku? Dinda yang tangannya penuh lecet bekas garukan dan gigitan nyamuk nakal tadi malam. Karena rumahku penuh lubang dan selimutnya hanya ada satu untuk dinda. Tidak apa, gatal ini tidak seberapa, jika kesal aku bisa membunuh penghisap darah itu hingga ia mati gepeng.

Banyak kakak-kakak datang ke sanggar, semua pasukan laron berkumpul. Tapi mereka tidak malu berteriak-teriak, berlarian menabrak kakak-kakak itu, dinda juga tidak mau kalah.

Restu tiba-tiba lewat dan agar penyambutan kakak-kakak lebih menarik, pertunjukan restu jatuh dan kepala gundulnya benjol terbentur lantai pasti akan seru. Aku ulurkan kakiku untuk menyandungnya.

Oops! Gagal. Dia hanya cengengesan.

Kali ini Ais yang berteriak-teriak membut telingaku sangat bising. Aku jambak kerudung merahnya, pasti dia akan lebih keras berteria.

"Aaah!"

Kan benar, dia berteriak dan semua mata tertuju pada kami.

Seorang kakak berkerudung menarikku, tapi aku masih ingin menggoda Ais hingga ia menangis. Aku mengulurkan tanganku lebih kuat tapi malah salah sasaran. Kakak itu yang terlihat sedikit kesal.

"Tuh kan, kakak yang kena." Kakak perempuan itu berbicara, nadanya sedikit meninggi. Ah, salah siapa menghalangiku.

Kakak itu menarikku menjauhi Ais dan membuatku duduk di pangkuannya. Aku masih tetap ingin melanjutkan perkelahiannya, belum ada pemenangnya. 

"Ayo kita menggmbar aja yuk." Kakak itu berkata dan menunjukkan sebuah kertas putih.

Kakak itu kemudian mengambil sebuah pensi dan aku langsung merebutnya. 

Dinda suka sekali menggambar kura-kura. Kakak itu protes ketika ku menggambar kura-kura dengan kaki banyak. Biar saja, kasian kalau kakinya hanya empat, dia akan berjalan sangat lambat. Kakinya banyak agar jalannya bisa lebih cepat.

Kakak itu protes lagi, katanya Dinda suruh menggambar yang lainnya. Tapi Dinda hanya suka gambar kura-kura. Kura-kura berkaki banyak yang saling berteman.

Pada hari terakhir kakak-kakak di sanggar, Dinda akhirnya mau ikut kakak-kakak untuk sholat maghrib berjamaah di masjid. Dinda juga meminta kakak itu untuk membantu memotong kuku Dinda yang kotor. 

Setelah sholat maghrib, ketika Dinda sedang serius menggambar, seorang kakak cantik membawa baskom berisi banyak sekali biskuit kelapa. Dinda langsung berdiri dan menghampiri kakak itu dan mengambil banyak biskuit.

"Kakak pegang ini sebentar ya..." Aku berlari lagi untuk mengambil plastik.

Biskuit itu untuk adik Dinda, namanya Nina. Kasian Nina, di rumah tidak ada biskuit kelapa.

"Kakak, dinda pulang dulu ya... Nanti nina keburu tidur..."

September 19, 2016

Salahkan resah, untuk waktu yang hanyut bersama keraguan. Aku ingin salahkan gelisah, untuk penat yang membuatku susah menghela nafas. Tapi, harus aku salahkan siapa ketika arah peraduan matahari justru memimpin langkahku pada-mu yang bukan hanya kiasan. 

Tuhan sampaikan kabar indah ini, mungkin telah lama juga Tuhan tuliskan titah ini bahwa pada saat itu aku akan akhirnya memutus sejenak kerinduan, walau kini sudah mulai meracau lagi rindu itu...

Hanya bertukar pandangan-pun melegakan rasanya...

Hanya beriringan senyum-pun luar biasa bahagianya...

Yang selalu berada membentang bersama mega, walau jauh, di lipatan langit entah bagian mana.

Yang masih enggan untuk tak berada jauh...

Tiupan rinduku membeku dan menjadi embun di sela jendela kamarmu...

Di satu embun di antara rindu-rindu yang bertebaran, satu itu milikmu...

Satu itu milikmu, dan di sinilah bagian hulu dari mana rindu itu mengalir. 

Semoga tak sia-sia dan sekedar hanyut bermuara di laut yang tak terhingga...

Personality shouldn’t be kept mystery. 

Personality is someone’s hidden intelligence. 

No?

In the era where people should be their own-self’s hero, the best cheat to conduct a living is knowing who you are to be the best what you are…

It’s only a fun thing to do between your study, take it in only 12 minutes.

1. MIND: 80% INTROVERTED

2. ENERGY: 75% INTUITIVE

3. NATURE: 67% THINKING

4. TACTICS: 55% JUDGING

5. IDENTITY: 72% TURBULENT

It’s somehow sounded true that I wasn’t really good in engaging others or conditions. 

Based on the 16personalities website, INTJs form just two percent of the population, and women of this personality type are especially rare, forming just 0.8% of the population – it is often a challenge for them to find like-minded individuals who are able to keep up with their relentless intellectualism and chess-like maneuvering. People with the INTJ personality type are imaginative yet decisive, ambitious yet private, amazingly curious, but they do not squander their energy.

The good side INTJs might show…

Despite those things that INTJs might have, I often heard people talk about me being arrogant, judgmental, overly analytical, and have no affection. It’s just funny. 

It turned out to be INTJ-T, it didn’t guarantee anything because I think personality is one’s brain prerogative. Things called emotions, affections, temperament, and manner are one’s prerogative. It shouldn’t be defined in particular way and nothing could measure it as how it is. 

But I’d like being secure when knowing these sort of lists, that nothing has ever been wrong. Being cold or warm, lenient or rigid, no one could guarantee which one would fit the best to live happier in lives.

So, there’s a big tree with red benches beneath. The perspective from that side made this pagoda looked so dashing from the natural rays God spreading us. A clear blue sky of course dignified the flaming red buildings all over places. 

I was sitting with my sister, having a random cackle about times we spent on us each when we were apart. 

I insisted to be photographed right in the center. It doesn’t look bad for the quality of phone’s camera, right? Giving me the broad view, somehow make me look a pinch-bit slimmer, please say yes!

My heart keeps beating like crazy bringing me into an immense of anxiety. It doesn't feel alright these recent days. Something was stuck inside my gorge like a clump that resist my breathing and it feels hard to inflate my chest. I am not well. I know I am not fine.

What has brought me to this state? What kind of past has led me to this way where now I often found my self off, deflated, and down.

...

I made up this story...

Once, I roamed the streets looking for a release. Just walking. I had no exact direction of where to bring my feet to. I was merely walking aimlessly under the calming cold which comforted me inside my sweater.

My hands were nearly frozen. They almost turned into ice block from the sharp cold. It wasn't a comforting cold but a freezing one. Indeed, my heart felt a bit at ease. I heard cold has this nice hypoesthesia upshot where it makes your nerves ending felt like numb. Hmm... at least I could feel my heart felt like numb to cover up the heartache. In turn, my body got stiff.

I ended my wandering on a wood bench watching every shadow passed through my sight until I sensed a warm beside me, only few inches away. I took a slight glance just to capture a pair of smiling eyes were staring back at me, too short glance to see the color of his eyes.

I announced my uncompromising way of socializing by staying quiet and refusing his offer to converse. I felt like I hadn't recorded his voice inside my parietal lobes. His voice traveled and poked my Wernicke's area to process his low-deep voice. I resisted it so much and I lost. I eventually turned my head to take a look of how he was. The atmosphere suffocated me so much. It was an awkward bump with stranger who seemed friendly and tried to befriend me.

His eyes radiated warmth filling up my vacant heart. Seems like competing with the blood running through the veins. No wonder, I felt a bit breathless, a little hypoxia? He blocked the bloods to enter my heart and occupied its every chamber with his charms. This should be kidding. It was probably just because my sympathetic nerves were triggered and my heart started beating too fast before my bloods able to get in. If it was my sympathetic nerves, why my face felt like burning and turned into grilled crab?

...

I was so imperceptible but that brief encounter had somewhat gave me a new feeling. Nothing could describe.

I am trying to open up little by little now following my curiosities.

I ended falling in love in thing I never thought before. It even goes further to every space inside my cell, now.

But, how does it feel to be rejected by thing you have put your heart into it?

Hurt.

No kidding.

Hurt.

It brought me to a realization that actually I am still lacking too much.

I might need a defibrillator now to keep my heart from jerking every single time I feel excited to learn it.

Once I thought, it would be nice to just stay inside my comfortable zone, inside a warm embrace of mommy's arms, and keep my self away from the stormy seas. But that only works for those who never think of any headway, for people who never dreamed of becoming mature and holding the word inside their hand. But I have come to a realization that I need to improve! I must advance!

Everyone at one of thousands points throughout lives would fail, would fall, would lose, would suck at thing, would regret, would embarrass their selves. And today, it's my turn to fall and land on the lowest profile of this world, too low from the hopes that I have been trying to revive. Falling is painful. I got wounds. I got scars inside heart that is inflexible to mend. This, maybe (I am exaggerating) is one of the toughest way I need to hike up back to be on top, my favorite place.

Let me tell you, how it happened. How finally I need to experience the agonizing tumble in the beginning of this year, 2016.

I made a really hard decision of whether i should challenge, at least to see how my self is doing this far. I didn't do anything yet, until it was minus one day from the closing date. I didn't fill in the application form, hadn't thought of making a motivation letter, and printed my GPA script, not until it was minus one day from the deadline. Such a deadliner!

I was just going to bury my gut under the fears and doubts when my heart said it would be a lost to miss such a chance to challenge and prove myself. Thus, I finally apply with nothing to wish rather than a precious experience of competing, without ambition, without obsession. I tell you, I looked like only gambling with luck at first.

It passed just like that, I even forgot that I applied because there were too much things occupied me such as nonsense midnight crying until skipping classes reasoning I was too fed up by those lectures I could read on my own. Honestly, this semester was just like a playground, I idled at the library, sleeping, playing candy crush, reading novels or news about Afghanistan's Taliban to Pakistan's homemade drone.

...

Days kept ticking and I didn't know where I finally found a commitment to mingle. I was suddenly being entangled with thing called anatomy. The damn difficult thing is now occupying my every chamber of my heart, even in every depression and elevation of my body's organs, even now after being completely rejected.

How did I get rejected?

Firstly, I am a stupid nut. There's no way they would accept such a big empty head to be there.

Secondly, I am a stupid nut who always have a hard time bustling with structures, places, and weird names.

Thirdly, I am a stupid nut who isn't smart.

Fourthly, I am stupid.

Fifthly, I am stupid.

I am stupid, I know right.

The whole reason might be I am a stupid damn big head with no talents or something to offer.

But I swear, I love it so much to learn about anatomy and be in daze, even though it's not easy to keep my eyes immersed onto the big thick atlas. Two minutes and I would get bored, I closed it. And I re-opened it, two minutes later I got bored and flew away finding a release, then back to stare, two minutes later I would feel like I am dying from those matters, then I pretend to die but then waking up again just to stare and tried to visualize every pictures onto my body. Ha-ha. I have those structures called bones, muscles, tendons, ligaments, arteries, veins, everything inside me.

Even if it's not my favorite thing, it always gets me the feel in inevitable way. As long as I am happy, how hard it it, I would still rush for it, even if I didn't get to sleep and fight off my melatonin to stay up. Easy babe...

And I have been completely rejected. OUT!

Bitter-smile.

But...

Oprah Winfrey said,


Michael Jordan was cut from his high-school basketball team. Does he look like he's bad at basketball? No.

Walt Disney was fired from his first job because people said he was lack of imagination. The beatles was rejected from the recording studios because people said they had no future in show business.

It's okay to fall. Fall forward and stand up!

I still have thousand more way than enough to understand, outside there, with every sincere wish to be better. I will still be able to learn. I will.

After the whole ups and downs, going through the uncertainties, finally everything must come to an end.

It's already my third semester studying in medicine. Having a start with wavering heart whether this place fits in me or whether I am deserved to survive here, I am still finding how I have to land on something stable in this college life. 

It's either a good news or maybe a bad news. I have just collected all my courage to attempt enrolling my self onto some kind of laboratory assistant, exactly anatomy. And I have just cried of all disappointment for once again encounter failing in my life.

Honestly, I am not freaked about anatomy. If I would rank the things I like while I am studying medicine, anatomy would not top my preferences. It's not that I hate anatomy, but I felt it harder when I have to stay up awakened putting my focus and all eyes on an atlas, and this is my only excuse, I am not a visual person. Reasonable?

I thought being one of their family members would be a help for me to learn more about anatomy since I found it's hard  to study and struggle alone for it. That's why I challenged my self to grab a responsibility. Why? I believed I would be more motivated to learn and give more efforts in learning anatomy. Being a lab-assistant means I have to master anything more than the ordinary student would, because I have to share and make sure others would understand what I taught and I thought I would be pushed more to learn anatomy harder than before with this kind of responsibility. But, god says no. I am not deserved to be there.

It's so sad and I cried. Recently I have settled my heart to commit here and hundred percents I put my hope onto this thing. 

While I found it's harder learning about anatomy, my other impression is that I found anatomy is fun. And believe or not, one of the reason finally I decided to go ahead enrolling my self is my curiosity. I have my own style for studying anatomy and I could say it wasn't a fail. And I thought I could share how I hardly study to digest any matters in books even if you have to put more times and efforts. 

I felt like I didn't get enough understanding of what actually anatomy is, so far. 

The happy thing is that I have given out what inside my heart, I didn't pretend anything saying I love anatomy so much so that I decided to enroll. I told all my worries and I am relieved now. I thought I have grown more mature. 

I sincerely congratulate for all my fellows who is having a good end. I know it best, you are all deserved to be there. 

I would always reminisce this moment as one of my ground for jumping and running higher than ever. I would not stop looking for answers of all curiosities raising in my head, even if I don't get a chance there, I would still be able to learn outside. I have promised my self to be responsible for choosing to live as medical student and be a sweet doctor for my patients. I would learn harder so I wouldn't misdiagnosed people.

And I would definitely find my stage for my passion to grow. Yes, sharing things with others, being a story teller, being a teacher, are my passion of all passions I have. I hope, I'll still be able to enjoy and find a box for my passion to grow into joy.

Wait for me...

"Awalnya catatan ini berjudul, Gemuruh dalam Diam. Catatan yang baru saja aku baca kembali dan aku tiba-tiba merasa lucu karena pernah menuliskan hal-hal murahan itu menjadi sebuah memo panjang. Entah ketika itu apa yang aku pikirkan, tapi aku senang bisa melihat kembali bagaimana aku telah tumbuh..."

...

Been almost six months, another six months being a lucky worm in college. While everybody is enjoying their off days already, I still have to wait for another week and beat up the last examination series. But, life is fair I think, I got to have some days off to enjoy a leisure lunch with sister at “Mary Anne”

I tried to search for the exact altitude but seems like google maps hasn’t claimed it yet. But to find it, you just need to head up a bit from Graha Widyatama Unsoed’s Auditorium Purwokerto. And…  ignore the address at the left box, it was just a thing I took from the google maps when typing “Mary Anne”. 

Here’s some pictures I took just to invite your drools out, Ha-ha!

Lime Squash: great taste of lime inside the sweet carbonated water. Carbonated: it’s smarting when touches your tongue, it’s relieving when you burp. So addicting!

Carbonara: Kinda a bit disappointed with the carbonara. I don’t know if it wasn’t my taste or what, but for me it was too salty and the bread wasn’t crunchy as what I expected.

Full companion: tasty foods, refreshing drinks, fussy sister, wonderful books, and sweets. Life is about talking or changing mind with your trusted one, gaining knowledge and experiencing imaginations through the books you read, refueling your energy with carbohydrates and fats, and recharging your serotonin with sweets.

Good Time Ice Cream: chocolate is a cure and you don’t need an appointment. They are a good serotonin donor which would boost your joy by creating good memories inside your brain to increase motivation and mood.

If you love ice cream so much to the level you want to “ice-creamize” anything, they have like more than 50 tastes, all different.

We sat at the corner and it’s a cozy place to hang out with your friends or if you need a place to do your assignments since there’s a free WiFi access.

Ternyata telah lagi berganti tahun, mudah saja 365 hari yang penuh rindu itu berlalu lalang. Sudah hari ke delapan belas di tahun dua ribu enam belas yang berarti akan menandakan bahwa hampir enam tahun wahai sang manis kesayangan tuhan telah berada jauh tak dalam pandanganku, mendekati juga hari ulang tahunmu yang ke dua puluh tahun.

dua puluh tahun?

Kau mungkin sudah tampan seperti bagaimana biasanya manusia tumbuh. Dua puluh tahun itu waktu yang luar biasa, tak inginkah kau berkunjung? Sebentar saja, aku ingin, walaupun sedikit saja mendengar kita bercengkerama. Aku menyimpan banyak sekali cerita untuk mu, untuk mu mendengarnya sedikit saja. Aku juga sudah tumbuh dan beranjak hampir menjadi dewasa. 

Aku sedang berjalan di jalan sepetak yang aku ingin kau sesekali memegangi payung yang biasanya aku pegang sendiri. Aku sedang berjalan di atas tanah yang terkadang membuatku sesak dan aku ingin kau sesekali menjengukku, biar hilang sesak di dada. 

Wajah jinggaku, 

bolehkah aku mengganti panggilanmu menjadi wajah jinggaku? Itu terlihat cerah dan bahagia. 

Ilalang itu mulai sombong, sekarang seringkali juga kumbang tak menyemangati mega untuk tetap menjingga di senja. Waktu sela senjaku sebelum petang menjadi membosankan, jujur saja, akupun telah lama tak menyaksikan matahari berjalan ke peraduannya, Aku tertidur dan tiba-tiba hari telah berganti begitu saja. Karena aku lelah dan bersedih, aku mungkin pengecut karena mencoba lari dari suara dentingan jam yang seharusnya aku mengamatinya. Tapi aku terlalu takut, aku telah berkali-kali mencoba untuk keluar dari jalan yang menyesakkan ini, tapi akupun tak tahu harus berjalan ke arah mana lagi...

Aku memang tak tahu malu kan?

Aku terus berkeluh kesah, padahal aku tahu, kau mungkin sedang mendaki pegunungan dingin penuh batu atau sarang serigala. Kau juga mungkin sedang kesulitan dan telah berkali-kali menyeka air matamu. Pasti kau sedang berusaha, karena kau telah datang jauh ke tempatmu berada sekarang, jauh di ujung sana yang aku tak mampu menerkanya. 

Selamat berjuang juga, wajah jinggaku yang aku harap tetap berbahagia. Karena kau adalah pria manis yang aku ingat selalu... 

I used to have a companion in my delusional point of view that no one would never be able to see. It’s not merely a fiction...

She is a girl with curly hairs tied behind her head. A girl who loves to tell me story that may be inside a lonely box at the corner of the street, if I am brave enough to open it, I would find a breathless woman laid suspiciously. But then it always ended we were the one who run breathlessly, away of that mystery box. She doesn’t have a name and I didn’t give her one either.

But lately she’s nowhere to be found. Usually she would appear and whisper that she had been hiding from my friends.

The last time we had an intimate conversation, she replied my long grouches with brimming eyes, 

“Hang in there... for a little bit more.”

Of all people in this world, she has been the only one wanted to believe me. Of all loneliness embracing spaces between nights and days, she has been the only one who fill my heart chambers. Of all the winning and losing I have gone through, she has been the one who congratulate and console me for the first time.

She is the first one knowing I am not comfortable in who am I now. That girl always asked if I am okay? If I need hug? She said everything is going to be fine. She said I am going to be okay.

“Hang in there, just for a little bit more.” That’s how she told me to endure every fall and rise of my days. I’ll just need to wake up and lead the day.